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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Politically Incorrect Don't Care


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Two elderly men used to go to the park every morning, drink their coffee and read the paper together. One day Sam says to his friend Joe, "If one of us should die, we need to promise to come back and tell the other how it is in heaven." Several months later, Sam passes away suddenly. Joe continues to go to the park every morning, but it's just not the same. One morning, he hears a sound coming from behind a tree. "Sam," he hears in a whisper, "Is that you?" " Yeh, it's me" "Remember I promised to come back and tell you how it is over here." "Well, in short, it's 'Heaven'" "I wake up every morning, have a fabulous vegetarian breakfast, make love all morning, have a lovely lunch, make love all afternoon, have a wonderful vegetarian dinner, and go to sleep." WOW, Joe responds. "Is that what heaven is really like?" "Heaven? I'm not in Heaven , Joe" "I'm a buffalo in Montana"

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Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful Woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines!!! The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!!"
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Q: Why don't blondes buy douche bags?
A: They can't find shoes to match.
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When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?" "Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."
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On the front of the card is a drawing of a rugged fella. Text: "Honey, I'd climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest ocean, cross the hottest desert for you!" On the inside: "I think that deserves some sex, don't you?"
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A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
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A man on a business trip went to a singles bar, approached two 'ladies', and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm..... and collected.
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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asks. "NO, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
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Weird Fact :
In North America there are approximately 618 roller coasters.
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Q) Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostitute for the new season?
A) They needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.

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"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby. "Hmmm... I'm in the mood for something special tonight. How about turkey style?" replied the wife. "Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what is turkey style?" She smiled at him seductively and whispered, "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
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A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large beautiful parrot. The sign on the cage said $50. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. He looked at her and said, "Look. I should tell you that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this and decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in the living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her and said "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked by the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and their mother were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Shortly after, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
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Q and A
1. What do Jell-O and a woman have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
2. What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
3. What do women and condoms have in common? They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.
4. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing? Odor eaters.
5. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopuss.
6. Why do men name their penis? They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.
7. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
8. What does a rooster have that a man wants? A hard pecker.
9. What kind of bees give milk? Boo bees.
10. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as? Speed bumps.
11. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? They both like a tight seal.
12. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven? If it were more, it would be Hell.

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Two deeply religious Irish retirees were sitting on a patio playing checkers and sipping fine Irish whiskey. They enjoyed the mid-day sun almost as much as much as watching the local citizens walk by. A few minutes go by and a middle-aged women pushes a baby stroller past the patio. The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" "Aye," says the other as he takes a pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a wee one." "Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they go about their game of checkers. A few minutes later, a young couple stroll down the avenue hand in hand, gazing deeply into each others eyes. The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" "Aye," says the other as he takes another pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a lover." "Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they do about their game of checkers. A few more minutes later, a young lass wearing clothes scarcely covering her shapely curves stops in front of the patio, bends over in front of the Irishmen giving them full exposure to her lovely rear, and smells the flowers in a near flower bed and walks on. The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" "I'm not rightly sure this time, Shamus," says the other as he takes yet another pull from his whiskey. "But if I am, I'll surely be joinin' you in confession this afternoon."
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Dear Carb Solutions,

I'm trying to lose a few pounds and last night I tried your Carb Solutions Taste Sensations - Creamy Chocolate Peanut Butter (Serial Number: MC53097 BEST BY040704) for the first time. The bar was a substitute for my dinner because I was on the road. I want you to know that I have discovered your secret formula for weight loss and I plan on stealing it. I too will make something so truly disgusting in taste that it makes the victim . . . err, uhhh . . . "dieter" not want to eat anything because they're physically nauseous.

This morning I defecated an exact replica of the bar I ate last night. I plan on taking my feces and your bar to shopping malls and asking people to take a bite of each and see if they can tell the difference. It is true that my butt won't be able to produce as many "Taste Sensations" as your company can, but at over $2 a bar it will be a nice second income for me. Like your company, I will probably only be able to sell one bar to a customer before they decide never to buy from me again -- so I'll have to keep moving all of the time. They'll probably make a movie about me.

Soon to be your

competitor...
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WINNIPEG, Manitoba (Reuters) - A plan to provide prison inmates with a bulk order of fruit-Flavoured condoms was in bad taste and has been cancelled, the cabinet minister in charge of prisons in the Canadian prairie province of Manitoba has told the Winnipeg Free Press newspaper. Prison bureaucrats issued a tender for $8,400 in strawberry, banana and vanilla condoms for 10 jails -- but withdrew the offer when a reporter asked about it, the article in Tuesday's Free Press said. "Like most Manitobans, when I first heard of this I had some serious questions about this flavour issue. I had to get my head around it," Gord Mackintosh, Manitoba's attorney general, was quoted as saying. Manitoba prisons have distributed condoms to inmates since 1998 to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, but do not encourage "at-risk behaviour," Mackintosh was quoted as saying, noting that senior government officials did not know about the Flavoured-condom order.
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Dad was in the field plowing when he noticed Mary run into the barn, A few seconds' later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, so Dad decides to see what they are doing. As he walks into the barn he sees Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town, Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard and picks up a shovel and whacks Bruce on the ass with it. Bruce jumps up and runs outside. Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty; Dad looked down at her and said, "I didn't think you had it in you Mary." "Neither did I, Dad," said Mary, "until you hit him on the ass with the shovel."

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2 Comments:

At April 13, 2006 7:39 PM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

I like that picture. Looking for something for me to smile or laugh at....or even post. You always have the best stuff. (smiling)

 
At April 13, 2006 8:07 PM, Blogger Patty said...

I happy you like the pic. Thanks for the compliment. I needed it.

 

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