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Saturday, April 29, 2006

Rainy Night Laughes {Rated Adult}



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Weird Fact :
In a lifetime, the average driver will honk 15,250 times.
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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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A father created a scavenger hunt for his children to keep them occupied one summer. To make it tougher, he put all the names of the items into riddles and clues. One of his boys was adept at figuring out these clues and had gathered all the items save one. He approached his father and said, "I believe I have everything, but there is one clue of which I'm unsure. Can you tell me, is the answer to the final clue 'two bees'?" His father replied, "I cannot say. But I will tell you this, 'two bees, or not two bees, that is the quest, son.'"
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John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies so he got her fixed. However, some how the gal still got pregnant, and even had identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity. John wrote a book about her entitled, "Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity".
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BIZARRE 911 CALLS
A thirty-year-old Maryland man called 911 and reported, "You gotta put out the fire, man. My marijuana plants are burning." When the fire-fighters team arrived they found the man sitting in his kitchen, in the dark, strumming his guitar.
A man in La Vergne, Tennessee, called emergency 911 to report that he and his wife had had a fight and he needed police to come to his house and stop her from pouring out all his beer.
Velma Ann Wantlin of Houma, Louisiana was issued a citation for improper use of the 911 emergency line. Wantlin called 911 to report her husband for preventing her from watching the season finale of Knots Landing.
[Dispatcher] 911. What's your emergency? [Caller] I'm scared.
[Dispatcher] What's the problem? [Caller] I just got a Ouija board for my birthday and now there's writing on my wall and I can't get it off....This thing is going back to Kmart first thing in the morning!
[Dispatcher] 911. What's your emergency? [Caller] Could you send the police to my house?
[Dispatcher] What's wrong there? [Caller] I called and someone answered the phone, but I'm not there.
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A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did she look?" "Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!" At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex, that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?" "She was watching us through the window."
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IF DEAR ABBY WAS A MAN
Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he may not be faithful. A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal, and don't mention this aspect of his behavior to him.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing -- your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex can be very embarrassing for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Many women can't find their own clitoris so how do you expect your man to find it? Your clitoris belongs to you. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at the local flea market. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love -- we have no time to talk. A: Sex is like running a marathon for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: Foreplay is very important. If your man seems uninterested it means that you do not love your man as much as you should because he has to work so hard to get you in the mood. Reread the question about Oral Sex above for suggestions and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband hardly ever gives me an Orgasm. A: The female orgasm is so intense it can happen only once a year Be patient. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present......and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
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A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from Canada!" "No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
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A local prostitute was brought before the court for solicitation. The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming not guilty when she had been caught in the act by police. The judge questioned her, expressing her surprise. "I am celibate." the young woman declared. "Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed. "How can you claim you are celibate?" "It is my business to be celibate. I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there....."
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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."
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Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A. One is plastic and harmful to children, the other is use to carry groceries.
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A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a blonde guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde. Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment." Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK." They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle." He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."
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A guy goes into a brothel and says to the Madam, "What can I get for $20?" She, totally uninterested in this "big spender" calls over her shoulder, "Maisie, come and give this guy a Penguin" Maisie walks over, kneels in front of the guy, drops his trousers and shorts and starts to give him a blowjob. She stops about 30 seconds before he's ready to come and walks away. The guy waddles after her, still with his shorts and trousers around his legs, and cries out "What's a Penguin?"
Two new firemen had been with the department for several months and had never actually been to a fire when they got a report of a large barn fire. The chief decides that this would be a good one for the new guys and tells them that he is sending them out and that it should be a fairly straightforward fire and they should have no problems. The two firemen were gone for a good five or six hours and the chief hadn't heard from them and was getting worried so he drives out to the site to see what the problem is. When he gets there the fire is pretty much out and the barn is a big pile of smoldering ruble but one of the firemen has the farmer bent over screwing the hell out of him while the other fireman is on the other end getting a blowjob. The chief asks 'what the hell are you guys doing?' One of the firemen explains that the poor farmer was overcome with smoke. The chief says 'Well you were supposed to give him mouth to mouth." The other fireman says 'Well just how do you think all this got started?'
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A third grade school teacher was trying to explain to her class the difference between singular and plural. She said, "What do you call it if one woman looks out a window?" Charlotte said, "Singular." The teacher said, "That's right Charlotte. Now, what do you call it if three women are looking out of a window?" Little Johnny raised his hand and blurted out, "A whorehouse!"
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You can tell she's getting old when you give her a sensual foot massage, and while you're down there, go ahead and rub her breasts as well.
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If a Ram is a Sheep,
And an Ass is a Donkey,
Then how come a ram in the ass is a Goose?
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Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local minister comes walking around the corner. The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?" The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!"
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A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Whom is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
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A first class BT is taking a "virgin" Fireman on his first liberty in Kingston, Jamaica. As they walk down the narrow streets fronted by all kinds of bars and houses of joy, a girl leans out of an upstairs window and yells "Hey, sailor, come on up and I'll give you something you've never had before." The BT1 gets a horrified look on his face and grabbing the Fireman by the collar runs full speed for two blocks. As he slows to a walk the Fireman looks up at him and asks "What's the matter?" The BT1 replies between gasps "That gal must have leprosy!"
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A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Tampa. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
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Too funny!
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting yourcoffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.


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This That and Frog Hair: Rainy Night Laughes {Rated Adult}






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This That and Frog Hair: Rainy Night Laughes {Rated Adult}
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