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Wednesday, April 05, 2006

(R)ated giggles

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." --Jon Stewart
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The stripper went into the tattoo parlor and asked to have a turkey drawn on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other. When asked why she wanted that odd combination, she replied "Everybody knows there is good eating between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
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An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "Don't know" said the farmer. "Never could catch the son of a bitch!!!"
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These three men were complaining about how their athritis was very bad. The first man said: "My hand skakes so much that this morning I cut myself while I was shaving". The second old man said: "That's nothing... I was trimming my hedges and my hand shook so much that I ended up cutting off the petals from the flowers". The third old man said: "What are you complaining about? I went to piss this morning and the way my hand shakes so much I came three times."
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Q: Why is it so hard to take a picture of a po' white trash family? A: When the photographer says, "Cheese," they all line up one behind the other to get theirs.
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A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck saying, "Darling, I have a great news. I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couples haven't paid their last bill, "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman." "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It's in your files?????" "Absolutely." "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off." "And what would my wife do then?" "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
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Three Religious Truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
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