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Thursday, April 27, 2006

(R)ated Tonight



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Q. Why do women get their belly buttons pierced? A. Where else would they hang the air freshener.
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Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: A genealogist looks up your family tree, A gynecologist looks up your family bush!

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A married guy was out getting a little kinky sex when he suffered a massive heart attack and died... The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away... What would you like us to do?" To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me... Cut it off and stuff it in his ass." When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket... Bending over him she said softly
... "Hurts, doesn't it?"
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Links to Kill Some Time
Stats about all US cities
http://www.city-data.com/
The Treehouse Guide
http://www.thetreehouseguide.com/
Tree Trunk Carvings
http://www.ohiobarns.com/othersites/treecarvings/ttc.html
Name That Car Trivia Game.
http://agent-central.com/trivia1.htm
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Advanced HTML Tutorials
http://www.pageresource.com/html/index6.htm
Introduction to SSI
http://ajen1020.hypermart.net/ssi.htm
Flash Tips
http://www.lynda.com/tips/flash_tips.html
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A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. "What do you mean?" he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "you put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs" Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart. "What the hell was that?!?" he asked. "Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again" she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!
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While waiting to register at a hotel, I overheard the couple ahead of me
asking for a room with a king,queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and
said that the only rooms available had twin beds.

Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same
bed for 44 years." "Could youpossibly put them close together?" the wife asked.

Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."

Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores,
I want to be able to punch him
."

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An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled
with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were
waiting inline to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was
decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!"
a girl in the line said to the little fella.
Embarrassed the little boy hung his head. His grandmother knelt
down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I
always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across
the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's
prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's
face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles"
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Pick-up Lines To Use On Your Spouse - or NOT

1. "Roll over, willya?"

2. "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you shut
the hell up for once and let me watch the game?"

3. "Hey, whaddaya say we throw caution to the wind and go
back to our place?"

4. "Don't mind me, I'll be done in a moment. Just keep
scrubbing the floor."

5. "Hey, cutie -- buy me dinner and I'll lift the
restraining order for the night."

6. "Hurry up, dammit, while they're still asleep!"

7. "What's a nice girl like you, doing in a place like
this? What? No, I'm not saying we need to
redecorate!!"

8. "Honey, you look mighty sexy in those stretch marks!"
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If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking
about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents
and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but
that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as
it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the
best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes
me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it
almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter....
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

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*Management lesson*
Tom wanted to screw a girl in his office ... but she belonged to
someone else ...
One day Tom got so frustrated that he went up to her and said
"I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you" ... but the girl
said NO.
Tom said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up".
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend ... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her
boyfriend says "ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very
fast, so he won't even be able to get his pants down".
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minites
the boyfriend calls and asks what happened ...
She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"
Management lesson:
ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY!



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