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Friday, April 28, 2006

Sat Mornings Odds and Ends

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Did you hear what the dyslexic Highway Patrolman did on New Year's? He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.'s
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When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had....you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation!"
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SITTING ON THE PORCH
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

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LAST CALL FOR TRANSLATION OF BAR PHRASES! "I'VE HAD LIKE 10 BEERS ALREADY." (I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.)
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We're an interracial couple, my wife and I. I'm from Kentucky and she's not a relative.
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Q: Why don't homosexuals like chess? A: Because every so often, they have to sacrifice a queen.
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Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, a dynamic young preacher raised himself to his full height, leaned over the pulpit, and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf."
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In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "a rat in her pussy" and that it was biting him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was discovered that she had a surgical needle left inside her from a recent hysterectomy.
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She says "My boss is so sex crazed. Every time he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format". "I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT it in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE". Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE. Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage. Once I tried to ESC (escape) but he caught me and SHIFTed me to his HOME where he started pressing BACKSPACE, and said "TURNOVER". Today, many times he works without CAPS LOCK (without "cap" or "helmet") and sometimes as an ALTernative he CRASHES @ my SYSTEM until he loses his CTRL (control) and again he LOGS IN... This process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his MAIN SYSTEMS!
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Q: What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor? A: A salt with a dead weapon.
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