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Saturday, April 01, 2006

Some Fresh Chuckles



My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"
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I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Matt listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number " 5." It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds. Matt's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race. Matt raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the # 5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Matt started grinning. Then I told Matt point-by-point what I did that day. - I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head - I took a five minute shower - I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet - I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row - I entered through the fifth admissions gate - I bought five programs - I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race - I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start. "Well," said Matt. "Did the horse win?" I frowned at Matt and said, "Stupid horse came in fifth !! "
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A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied "I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it". The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try. So he went out on a week day so his normal golfing buddies wouldn't see him, and proceeded to tee up an imaginary ball. Lo and behold, he birdied the first hole! He was playing the best game he had ever played, with birdie or eagle on every hole, as he approached the 9th green. Another single gentleman had been playing ahead of him and watching this game with much curiosity. The second golfer waited before he teed off on the 10th hole and asked the first golfer if he would like to join him. They did, and as they played the 10th hole, the second golfer asked him what he was doing. The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working. Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball also. The first golfer said "Sure!". They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!". The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said "No, I won. That was my ball."
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This is a list of the ways that professors in different departments grade their final exams:
Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept Of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept Of Religion: Grade is determined by God.
Dept Of Philosophy: What is a grade?
English Dept.: Your final exam will be scored by totalling the weight of all the books you read this semester:
40+ pounds - A
30 pounds - B
20 pounds - C
10 pounds - D
<10>

Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept Of Mathematics: Grades are variable.
Dept. Of Physics: Grades are relative. but... All theoretical physics is really mathematics. See Above.
Dept. Of Chemistry: All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See Above.
Dept. Of Biology: All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See Above.
Dept. Of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept. Of Marxist Studies: The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the same grade!
Dept. Of Economics: All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the level where your marginal product (MP) of labour for each individual grade is equal.
Dept. Of Operations & Logistics Management: Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon. NOT 11:59 -- NOT 12:01
Dept. Of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade, but... YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own.
Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
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As an airline reservation agent, I took a call from a man who wanted to book a flight for two but wasn't happy with the price of $59 per ticket. "I want the $49 fare I saw advertised," he insisted, saying he would accept a flight at any time. I managed to find two seats on a 6 a.m. flight. "I'll take it," he said, then worried his wife might not like the early hour. I warned there was a fee of $25 per person if he changed the reservation. "Oh, that's no problem," he said dismissively. "What's fifty bucks?"
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The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
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Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd yell, "Mom, what does fgrpl spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does doeb spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn answered. This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does lmdz spell?" Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"
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This is a true Wolverine Fan!
Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon, an Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan, a Notre Dame fan, and a Penn State fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most "die-hard" fan. Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Notre Dame fan proclaimed to the other four..."This is for the Fighting Irish!" and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice. Not to be outdone by a Notre Dame fan, the Penn State fan jumped up and shouted..."This is for the Nittany Lions!" and then threw himself off the mountain. Refusing to be outdone by the Notre Dame and Penn State fans, the Michigan fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs "This is for the Wolverines!" and without any hesitation, pushed the Ohio State fan off the mountain.

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Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying. Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam -- are you up there? Did you make it okay?" There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
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A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said. "I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained." The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
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This is the fairy tale that should have been read to all girls when they were little!


Once upon a time

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in a land far away,

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a beautiful, independent,

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self-assured princess

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happened upon a frog as she sat

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contemplating ecological issues

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on the shores of an unpolluted pond

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in a verdant meadow near her castle.

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The frog hopped into the princess' lap

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and said: " Elegant Lady,

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I was once a handsome prince,

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until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

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One kiss from you, however,

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and I will turn back

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into the dapper, young prince that I am

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and then, my sweet, we can marry

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and set up housekeeping in your castle

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with my mother,

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where you can prepare my meals,

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clean my clothes, bear my children,

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and forever feel

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grateful and happy doing so.
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That night,
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as the princess dined sumptuously
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on lightly sautéed frog legs
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seasoned in a white wine
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and onion cream sauce,
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she chuckled and thought to herself:
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I don't freakin think so.




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