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Monday, April 03, 2006

Some New Some Old. Happy Monday



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Lawyers
Q. You are stranded on a desert island when 3 boats approach. In one is a cannibal, in the 2nd a head hunter and in the 3rd an attorney. You have a gun, but only 2 bullets! What do you do?
A. Shoot the attorney, twice.
Q. What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A. God doesn't think he's an attorney.
Q. How is a lawyer like a pickpocket?
A. Need you ask.
Q. What is the first thing you should do after running over an attorney?
A. Back up.
Q. Why is a dumb lawyer like an alcoholic?
A. Because he can't pass the bar.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a mugger?
A. A mugger uses a gun.
Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. How many can you afford?
Q. A high priced lawyer, a low priced lawyer and Santa Claus are at a table with $1000 in the center. The lights go out and the $1000 is missing. Who took it?
A. The high priced lawyer. The other 2 are imaginary characters.
Q. What do you throw a drowning lawyer?
A. His partners.
Q. How does a pregnant woman know when she's carrying a future lawyer?
A. She has a craving for bologna.
Q. What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A. All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.
Q. Did you hear about the new Sushi bar that caters to lawyers?
A. It's called Sosumi.
Q. If one useless man is called a disgrace. What are two called?
A A lawfirm. Lawyer: A member of that profession dedicated to protecting you from other members of that profession. One dishonest man is a thief. Two make a lawfirm and three make a congress.
Q. What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

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An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old = lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And those who would like to find a place in hell, PLEASE STAND UP!" The weary man, catching only the last part, groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi,I'm very rich.Marry me." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink.You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,"By the way, I'm very rich.Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich.." That's Brand Recognition. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me". She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback !!!!!
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BABY BOOMERS
Old and new concerns for people of the baby boomer generation.
Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.
Then: Keg Now:
EKG.
Then: Acid rock Now:
Acid reflux.
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.
Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.
Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
Then: Paar. Now: AARP. Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.
Then: Killer weed. Now:
Weed killer.
Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.
Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.
Washington Post's Style Invitational
Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office
Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo
Then: OJ, cutting and slashing
Now: OJ, cutting and slashing
Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone
Then: "The Making of the President"
Now: The making of the President
Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral
Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now: Fighting to keep the lying President
Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund
Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO
Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid
Then: pothead Now: potbelly
Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test
Then: Obsessing over your PSAT scores
Now: Obsessing over your PSA scores
Then: President Johnson
Now: The president's johnson
Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"
Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones. 1970: Screw the system! 2000: Upgrade the system.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth, so I told him to bring the animal over. When the man came in with his pet, the vet examined the dog as the man stood by, anxiously waiting. At last the doctor turned to him and asked,"Do you have any children?" "Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped. "No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."
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Two guys were driving a truck through the back roads when they came to an overpass with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3." They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4 inches tall. "What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck. The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear and stepped on the gas. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years." "Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?" "I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
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1 Comments:

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