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Original Sally w/Angels
Just about the only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it is hard up and 5% of the time it is in the hole. It has two dependents, but they're nuts. Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes? Effective January 1, 2006, penises will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows: 10"- 12" Luxury Tax 8"- 9" Pole Tax 6"- 7" Privilege Tax 4"- 5" Nuisance Tax Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. AND PLEASE, DO NOT FILE FOR AN EXTENSION!
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Subject: New Virus There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
There was this family who's last name was Fantastic. They were all pretty portly. All except one. He was so skinny that if he sucked to hard on a malted, he'd suck himself into the straw. The local bullies thought it was much fun to stick their feet out in front of him causing him to fall, because he fell so funny. Finally, it got so bad that the City Council passed an ordinance making it against the law to 'trip the light Fantastic.'
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaims, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. So, before leaving this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, a pint of Ben&Jerry's, the remainder of the Valium prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, and a box of chocolates. You have NO idea of how good I feel!!!
Austin Powers Pickup Lines
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on Earth tonight.
9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
16. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
19. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
20. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
21. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
22. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
23. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
24. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.