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Monday, April 24, 2006

Stormy Nite Boredom




One day this tramp is sitting on a park bench eating a bald eagle. A cop comes by and says.."Hey fella...What do you think you are doing? That is an endangered species! You can't kill it and eat it!" The cop arrests him and takes him to jail... The next day he goes to court and the judge says, "Sir, do you realize that a bald eagle is an endangered species and you can spend up to 5 years in jail for killing and eating it?" The hobo says, "Yes your honor...but I am poor and if I didn't eat it, I would have starved!" The judge pauses a few minutes and says, "Well sir, under the circumstances, I guess I will make an exception. You are free to go.....but first I want to ask you a question: What exactly does a bald eagle taste like?" The guy thinks for a moment and says..."Well, your Honor.......It's kinda like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."
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~~#Jacob was an uneducated but hard-working immigrant who wanted a better future for his only son, David. He scrimped and saved for David's school education. In return, David worked hard and got accepted at a small school far from home. Every month, David received a check from his father for his living expenses and every month, the check was attached to a piece of paper with the letters 'FUF' written on it. It regularly puzzled David, but he cashed the checks anyway and went about his studies. Finally Passover came and David was able to travel home. As he sat with his father after the Seder, David said, "Dad, I want you to know how much I love you and how much I appreciate everything you're doing for me. I really couldn't get by without the check you send me every month. But I must ask, what does it mean when you write 'FUF'?" His father replied, "Oy, some scholar you're not. 'FUF' means 'From U Fadder'."
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Friends took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass the time, the boy practiced his reading skills by calling out road signs. He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec. When he awoke, he saw the French highway signs and said, in a worried tone, "I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep."
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During college my son roomed with a native Indian who came from a small band from the far north in Canada. On one occasion we were in our living room chatting when my son casually mentioned that in his friend's language there was no word for "sorry". I thought,"How very neat. If you say something nasty or mean, you had better mean it because you can't try to take it back with 'I'm sorry.' " Then I asked Andre, What if you opened a door suddenly just as somebody was coming in and hit the person, what would you say?" He thought for a second and then, "Oops!"
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Customer: How much is that tie? Salesman: Forty dollars. Customer: Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money! Salesman: Yes, but how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.
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There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade. A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for an inconspicuous C, retyped it and handed the work in. In due course he received it back with the professor's comments "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!"
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A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death." "Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney. "Because," he says, "I want someone to be sorry I died."
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A shoe salesman, who had grown tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. He had passed the exam, and gone through the rigorous training that police departments require. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
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Bubba from the lower valley decided he wanted to get married, and brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa over grits and gravy the other night. "Bubba," Ma said, "you can't get married yet. Why, you're the baby of the family." "But Ma," Bubba protested, "I had my 38th birthday jest last week." "We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed in. "But your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from High School."
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Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
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Duct Tape
Lost in the woods? Not with duct tape around! Just hang little strips of tape from branches to find your way back. Remodeling on a budget? Use duct tape to cover cupboard doors and drawer fronts for a modern, metallic- look kitchen. Super seal your tax return envelope with duct tape to annoy the IRS. And when you've finished your taxes, patch the fist hole in your wall with duct tape. Hang a strip of duct tape from the ceiling for an instant fly trap. Enjoy your music loud? Duct tape volume knob at your favorite level. Duct tape vibrating stereo to table. Duct tape vibrating table to floor. In most cases, foundation should secure floor. Wrap sticky-side out around your hand to pick up fuzz, lint and pet hair from clothing and furniture also picks up small pets from clothing and furniture. Teach kids about safety by using duct tape to make seat belts for their dolls. Also keeps pets in place during car trips. Remove dust balls under beds using these three steps: 1. Wrap duct tape sticky side out around small dog. 2. Roll the dog's favorite ball under the bed. 3. Yell "fetch!" Use duct tape to join two pets tail to tail, and see what happens!!!!!
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"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient. "I just cant seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid." "The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."
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In Great Detail One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local Air Force Base, I overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his uniform cleaned and pressed. When he finished, the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting an award, or do you have an important military function to attend?" "Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on leave, and my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for show-and-tell."
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2 Comments:

At April 25, 2006 8:53 AM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Is that coupon good for long distance....there is someone that it may come in handy with. (lol)

 
At April 25, 2006 12:05 PM, Blogger Patty said...

Suzie I think we need a printing press of the coupon and every time we use one just hand it to the reciever.

 

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