Stuff To Kill Time
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The Doghouse HTML Cheat Sheet
The Great San Frasisco Earthquake and Fire
Your Age on other Worlds
The Hazzard County Driver's Test The Brunching Shuttlecocks
Weird Fact :
At just four years old Mozart was able to learn a piece of music in half an hour.
Finally, something that works!A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me" Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's worth every muscle cramp and wheeze.For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7- day, 50 lb. program."Are you sure?" asks the representative. "This is our most rigorous program.""Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge, hairy male standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine".
Q: Did ya hear about the Jewish pimp?
A: He's gonna have a "holesale" tonight!
The blonde says to her friend, "My boyfriend has the worst dandruff." Her friend says, "You should give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde thinks for a minute and asks, "How do you give shoulders?"
Sam is over at Anni's house after meeting her parents for the very first time. While at the supper table he figured it was a good time to get on the right side of his future mother-in-law. Sam turned to Anni's mother and remarked, "These are excellent fishcakes." Anni pulled Sam close to her and whispered in his ear, "You should go and wash your hands, those are peanut butter cookies!"
Some newly-married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three childen, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going ?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
a sign at a swimming pool bathroom:We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee inour pool.
A group of tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, "Pardon me, but what was the name of that god sup posed to be?" "Why do you ask?" the man replied. The tourist shrugged. "Just idol curiosity, I guess."
Q: Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?
A: It's called "Abzorba the Leak."
Doggy Pet Peeves There are even some things that really bother dogs, but not having the ability to speak (not to mention not having opposing thumbs) really hampers disclosing these facts to humans. In my great caninical wisdom, I have done some research and have now developed a list with which to convey these doggy pet peeves.
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
12. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?
I drove by the fire department the other day, and they had a big public awareness sign that read, "Are your house numbers visible?" I thought, "Who the fuck cares? How about you just stop at the house that's on fire?!"
What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Her ankles.
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older, You are just getting better." When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom." It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read: "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
Age and Manhood
1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly
3. Over 47: Try weakly
A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis. "Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother. "I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. "I want one just like that," she kept repeating. At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one." "And if I'm bad?" asked the little one. "Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."