Sunday, April 30, 2006

Sunday Funnies

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A man walked into the local tavern where he frequented, and when the
bartender came over, he said, "I'd like to have three shots of
Jack Daniels."

The bartender didn't question him, and brought him his 3 shots.
One, two, three -- they disappeared! "Fill 'ER up again," asked the man.

The bartender repeated the process, and so did the patron -- one, two,
three -- they were gone! Well, Joe the Bartender didn't know WHAT to
make of this. When the man asked for a third fillup, he said, "Buddy,
seems like you got problems! Do you want to talk about 'em?"

The customer said, "Joe, I have a computer at home, and once a month -- maybe
more -- I go to a porno website."

Joe, the bartender, said, "A lot of men do that -- but it doesn't make
them drink like fish!"

"You don't understand," said the customer, "the one I went to today, I
saw 3 gorgeous women!"

Joe said, "That's not unusual. A LOTTA lovely women on the Internet!"

The customer turned to Joe, with tears in his eyes. He said, "Have you ever
been to a website, and the first three women you see are your daughter, your wife,
and your MOTHER?"
"OLD" IS WHEN.....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to
take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
Grandma Doesn't Know Everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother's for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he
came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called
when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of
the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" "And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry
what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks
he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands.
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'CK' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...........

My other ride is your mom.

If it has boobs or wheels it will give you a problem.

Sacred cows make great hamburger.

Now that I've cooked the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

Take your ex out tonight, one bullet ought to do it.

My girlfriend only has one breast so
I got her a part-time job at Hooters.

I've seen her wrestle, now I'm gonna see her box.

Support D.A.M. -- Mothers Against Dyslexia.
A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps of the church and hassling worshipers as they came in and out. Finally, the situation got so bad that complaints reached Father Murphy, who decided to go out and talk to the teenagers. The priest's appearance was greeted by hoots and catcalls. But he went up to the leader and said, "Boys, I think there are better places for you to hang out than on God's doorstep." The gang leader defiantly said, "Fuck God." Father Murphy winced. "You're risking God's wrath by breaking His holy laws and taking his name." The gang leader said, "Fuck God's laws. You name one, I break it. I swear, I fuck , I steal, I smoke, I shoot people. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna break every single fucking law the church has ever make." The priest said, "Do you really mean that?" The gang leader turned to his buddies and said, "Do I ever go back on a promise? Blood oath. I'm gonna break every church law." "Well," the priest said, "I know of at least one sin you haven't committed." "Yeah? Tell me what it is and I'll do it." Father Murphy replied, "There's a strict church law against suicide."


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