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Sunday, April 23, 2006

Sunday Laughes




Aptronym
These are real APTRONYMS...names that match the occupations.
Dr. Harry Beaver is a Virginia gynecologist.
Ray Ferrie is a retired ferry boat captain.
Linda Toot was the principal flute and William Basson was the bassoonist in the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra.
The current Florida Bar direcectory lists eight lawyers whose surname is "Law." They outnumber the Justices, of whom only four are listed. One Just. One Juster. Two Judges, neither of whom is a judge. One Council, but no Counsel.
Miss Cashdollar was the treasurer of a gradeschool.
Mr. Sues is a lawyer.
A soldier was spotted at a San Francisco military base with the nametag "Mankiller."
The 2001-2 Membership and Referral Directory of the American Urological Association includes 9 Dr. Peters, 11 Dr. Wang, 4 Dr. Wiener, 4 Dr. Cox, 1 Dr. Dick, 3 Dr. Philpott, 1 Dr. Urich, 1 Dr. John Thomas and 1 Dr. Insoft
The lead bass singer in the group *NSync is Lance Bass (but he pronounces it like the fish).
Richard Seed is a pioneer of reproductive technology.
Cardinal Jaime Sin is former head of the Catholic Church in the Philippines.
Prof. Martin Braine is an American cognitive psychologist.
Prof. John Wisdom is an American philosopher.
Dr. Mishe Feinmesser (which means knife), is an Israeli surgeon.
Dr. Fingers is a well-know gynecologist in Australia.
Lake Speed is a NASCAR driver.
Dr. Dick Bone is an osteopath.
Patricia Feral is an animal rights activist in Stamford, CT.
A guy name Hooker runs a bait shop.
George Hammer used to own a hardware store in Louisville, KY. His son, Pete Hammer, now owns it.
The expert on deformed frogs (a problem in Minnesota) is Professor Hoppe of Southwest University of Minnesota.
In Maine, there is a veterinarian named Dr. Beever and a physician named Dr. DeKay.
Bruce Payne and David Swett are authors.
There is a law firm in California called Payne & Fears who represent employers in employment litigation.
At the British Guards Depot, the chief medical officer was a Captain Blood, his assistant was Lieutenant Butcher; the Dental Officer was a Major Savage. Dr. I. Doctor, Eye Doctor, is an opthalmologist.
A used car dealership was owned by Karl Krook.
At the Oscar Mayer plant in Madison, WI, the FED meat inspector is named Mr. Carrion.
Dr. Metzger is an orthopedic surgeon. The name translated from German means "butcher."
Jared Wooley raises sheep and Dr. Bone is an orthopedist in Buffalo, NY.
Back in the '70s there were two urologists in Rochester, NY named Dr. Cocky and Dr. Wee.
Dr. David Toothaker is a dentist in Arkansas. There is also a Dr. Coffin, Dr. Fearing, Dr. Sorrow, Dr. Pray and Dr. Death (pronounced Deeth) who should probably change his name or his profession.
And not to be outdone by Yanks, Bracebridge, Ontario, Canada, boasts of an optometrist named Gord Looker, an electrician named Bruce Sparks, a heating contractor named Mr. Freeze, a sawmill operator named Jordan Plank, and Jim Crook manages the local penitentiary while his assistant is Susan Penwarden. Dr. Tom Fillar is a dentist. Sir Russell Brain is a famous English neurologist. Dr. Hertz was a dentist in Ft. Lauderdale. Rev. D. Goodenough is a Methodist minister. Roland Cruz is an auto mechanic. Dr. Slaughter is an oral surgeon.
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A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican". The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work."
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Little Suzie was supposed to bring fifty cents to school for a workbook, so she went to ask her father for it. She found him in the bathroom, stark naked, and in the excitement she forgot all about the fifty cents and asked, "Daddy, What's that?" Her dad said, "That's what I call 'a shame'." Next day at school, when the teacher asked for the fifty cents, Little Suzie said, "Daddy couldn't give me fifty cents because he wasn't wearing his pants." The teacher replied, "Doesn't your father have any shame at all?" Little Suzie said, "Oh, yes, ma'am, he has one, but it's not as big as the one the principal gave you last Thursday."
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A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been? What are you doing?" "Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra." "Spectacular!" the man replies. "It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold, and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo. "We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo. "Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit, AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!"
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This beautiful young blonde walks into the health clinic and begins to talk to the nurse. "Excuse me, ma'am, is this where I can get a vassilation?" "I think you mean you need a vaccination," said the nurse. "Yeah, whatever. Just don't give it to me on my arm because I wear a sleepless nightgown." "You mean a sleeveless nightgown?" "Yeah, whatever. And don't give it to me on my thigh because I have a zucchini bathing suit." "You mean a bikini?" "Yeah, OK. And don't give it to me on my virginia." "You mean your vagina?" "All right!!" shouts the blond. "Virginia, vagina, just as long as I don't get small cox !!!!"

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