A Sunday Morning Mess, Not , P.C.
Q. Why is the space between a woman's tits and her hips called a waist? A. Because you could fit another pair of tits in the space between them!
Three mice went into a bar one evening. They all bellied up to the bar and each ordered a shot of quervo. The first mouse, downs his shot and looks at his 2 buddies and says "ya know, I'm the toughest mouse here... I go looking for mouse traps just so I can do chin ups". The second mouse, not to be out done, downs his shot and says, "Awwww, that ain't nothing. I go looking for D-Con so I can sprinkle some on my cereal each morning". The third mouse, downs his shot, and starts walking out the door. Hey, hey, wait a minute, where ya going? The 3rd mouse turned around, looks at his buddies and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat".
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes. The therapist was angry that his theory hadn’t worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"
A woman is driving down the freeway with her daughter Kimmie. Kimmie is digging through the glove box looking for something. "Oh, SHIT!" yells young Kimmie in complete frustration. "Kimmie! Do you know what that means?" said the woman. "Yes, Mommie. That's what you say when you can't find something."
A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend all about his experience. Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized. Friend: How so ? Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food. They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs. They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee. Then there was the head nurse...
Uh Huh... Brilliance in Motion... My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATM's came up, and he mentioned that, on the average, most machines contain about $1500 at any given time. Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $5000."
Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
* Bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
* Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
* Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the last beer.
* In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
* Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
* Holidays are usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house.
* Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
* Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
* Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
"You know that old saying, 'Strike while the iron is hot?' Well, I think that's a pretty dumb saying, 'cause I'll betcha a cold iron will hurt like hell, too." --Charlie Acord
Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your New College Roommate * "Uh oh, 9:30 -- time to go to sleep"
... Three married couples, aged 20, 30, and 40 years old, want to join the Orthodox Church of Sexual Repression. Near the end of the interview, the priest informs them that before they can be accepted they will have to pass one small test. They will have to abstain from all sex for a month. They all agree to try.
A month later they are having their final interview with the cleric. He asks the 40 year old couple how they did. "Well, it wasn't too hard. I spent a lot of time in the workshop and she has a garden so we had plenty of other things to do. We did OK." the husband said.
"Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how well did you manage?", he asked the 30 year old couple.
"It was pretty difficult", the husband answered. "We thought about it all the time. We had to sleep in different beds and we prayed a lot. But we were celibate for the entire month."
"Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how about you?" he asked the 20 year old couple.
"Not too good, I'm afraid, Father. We did OK for the first week.", he said sheepishly. "By the second week we were going crazy with lust. Then one day during the third week my wife dropped a head of lettuce, and when she bent over to pick it up, I... I weakened and took her right there."
"I'm sorry my son, you are not welcome in the Church"
"Yeah, and we're not too welcome in the Supermarket anymore, either."
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona. They were running late and as luck would have it their car broke down. They found a repair garage nearby. The mechanic told them it would take four hours to fix their car. But he told them" You're in luck. I have a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can read stoplights, he'll stop and go just as the light directs. So the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took off. An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight. "What in the world happened and where's my camel?" "Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!' " When we got off to look, the beast took off when the light turned green."
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!" "Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it." The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in. That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face and said
"Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon."
"Good news -- our dorm room is live on the Internet 24 hours a day!"
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its nose." The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
... Two Polish guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex." "Okay," agreed one of the Polacks, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant. The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second Polack. "Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again." As they walked out to their car, one Polack said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged." "No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."