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Sunday, April 23, 2006

Sunday Morning Mess



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Hear about the blonde who...
Got hurt when she fell out of the tree while raking leaves.
Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "Good up to 20 pounds."
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Weird Fact :
Each day the sun causes about one trillion tons of water to evaporate.
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TAGLINES & RIDDLES
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
(Mark Twain)

The Wall Street Journal reports that two million Americans got
married because of someone they met online. The bad news, four
million got divorced because of somebody they met online. (Jay Leno)

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey doo."

Arab musical composers teach their children to play Haydn Sheik.
I recently switched to senior checking account that pays interest. I
got a
statement and discovered the interest they pay is a bunch of nine cents.

Women claim that what they look for in a man in a sense of humor, but
I don't believe it. Who do you want removing your bra...George
Clooney or the Three Stooges? (Bruce Smirnoff)
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The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage,
and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you
in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something." "Yes,
mother," replied the obedient girl. Two weeks after the wedding, the
girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy
asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?" "Not
that I know of," she answered. "Why?" "Well, we've been married for
two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."
==========
Once upon a time a boy penguin and a girl penguin met at the equator.
After a brief but passionate interlude the boy penguin went away to
the North Pole, and the girl penguin to the South Pole. A few months
later, a telegram arrived at the North Pole, saying: "Come quick. Am
with Byrd."
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My husband recently purchased the director's cut of "Donnie Darko." The store staff thoughtlessly placed the large price sticker smack in the middle of the case, over Jake Gyllenhaal's face. As a result, my husband was spending an inordinate amount of time trying remove both label and its residue. At one point he turned to me and said, "I've spent so much time wiping sticky stuff off Jake Gyllenhaal's face, that I feel like I'm in the sequel to 'Brokeback Mountain'."
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A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she gets pregnant." A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man ever get his penis back??"
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The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife."
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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars? "Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: "Would let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there" So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but no biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Too expensive."
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Fanny and Myron get married and on their first night in bed, Myron puts his arm around Fanny and very sweetly whispers, "Fanny darling, please pull up your nightgown." Very sweetly Fanny answers, "Nooo." Myron asks again, a little sterner, "Fanny pull up your nightgown." Fanny again says, "No." Myron is now angry and says, "Fanny, pull up your nightgown or I'm going out the door and you'll never see me again." "No." says Fanny. So Myron gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him. Fanny immediately gets up and locks the door. Not too long after, Myron is back. He tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says, "Fanny, my darling, open the door, it's me." Fanny says, "Nooo." Myron knocks a little louder, "Fanny, sweetness, please open the door." "No." says Fanny. Myron starts kicking the door and shouts, "Fanny, open this door right now or I'll break it down." Fanny says, "Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you can't pull up?"
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A man goes to see the doctor because he has a sore throat. The nurse tells him to take all his clothes off and sit on the bench in the hall. The man tries to protest, but the nurse doesn't listen and just repeats the same orders then leaves the area. The man complies with her orders and joins another naked man sitting on the bench. The man starts complaining to the man already sitting there, that he only has a sore throat and doesn't understand why he has to take all his clothes off. The man who was already sitting on the bench nude, looks at the other man and says "You think that's bad, I'm just here to pay my bill."
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Why do women like wearing black panties? It's a way for them to say, "In memory of those who were buried here"
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Personals
Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian. Must be able to keep a secret.
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Mormon male looking for one or more females for a long-term relationship. Must have childbearing hips and be willing to give birth to at least four children. Catholics need not apply.
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Single, unemployed female with several children out of wedlock is looking for a sugar daddy to support my children and me. Skills include nose-wiping and diaper-changing. Ear plugs included. No experience necessary.
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Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing. If you're under 6 feet tall, averse to ropes, or wary of long expeditions, don't apply.
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Single, white, affluent male starting a savage cult; orders submissive, obedient followers to worship and praise my every move. No shirt, no shoes, no service.
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Ready? OK! Collegiate cheerleader looking for quarterback to bring his helmet, pads, and offensive line to bed. First and ten! Do it again!
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Tall Hispanic lesbian looking for a vertically challenged person to spend evenings clipping my toenails and picking them out of the carpet.
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Do you have six toes or another pedal anomaly? If so, I want you! Other deformities--however attractive--need not apply.
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Greedy, money-hungry, single white female looking for obscenely rich older man (preferably on his death bed) to spend time and money with. Would like to wiggle my way into the will and be the sole beneficiary. Call before time runs out.
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Mama's boy, dependent on parents for income, is looking for a female who is family-oriented and wouldn't mind having my mom chaperone. No dog lovers please. ----------------------
Charlie B. ISO Lucy. Me: self-esteem issues and bad sweaters. You: rapier wit and a complete disregard for my ego. Big head optional.
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Playmate wanted. SWM with large stuffed animal collection ISO female furvert for meaningful relationship with me and my plush toys.
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Albino male seeking dark-skinned woman who will take me to movies and hand-feed me popcorn. Must love to stay inside with the blinds closed to keep out sunlight, and dread mornings.
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Alcoholic female craves man to keep her knee-deep in liquor. Your own still a plus. ----------------------
Gay sunless tanning addict seeks dark and crispy partner to share tanning bed. Bring your own goggles and we'll order in!
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Obedient male seeks female dog-lover for long walks, playing fetch, and cuddling on the couch. You bring the spiky collar; I've got the kibble.
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Middle-aged heir seeks suitable female for companionship, possible LTR. Family approval required unless mother takes her final bow before we meet.
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Male bwana hunts big-game guy. You bring the fur coat; I'll bring the rifle. No animal-rights activists or vegetarians.

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A man named Gerry asked his doctor if there was a test to help him determine if he was gay. The Doctor said, "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants." Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to "say 55." Gerry said "55." The doctor then grabbed Gerry's penis and told him to "say 55." Gerry said "55." The doctor then told Gerry to turn around, and putting a finger in Gerry's anus he once again told him to "say 55." .......... Gerry said "1...2...3..."
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A sheep herder made it in to San Antonio, Texas, after 10 years in the bush. He found a saloon and approached the bar tender. He told the bartender "I need a woman." The bartender said, "There are women all over San Antone for a price." The sheep herder replied, "Just any woman won't do. I ain't fucked nuthin' but goats 'n sheep for the last ten years. They got cockle burrs 'n mesquite thorns around their pussy and my old dick is tough with calluses on it, and I need a good tough piece of ass." So the bartender tells him, "Well, you're in luck. The toughest broad in all San Antonio has a room right up stairs." The bartender picks up thephone contacts the lady, explains the situation, and tells the sheep herder to go on up. The sheep herder gets a small ice bucket with two Lone Star long necks (the favorite brew in San Antone), and proceeds up the stairs. When he gets to the room he says, "The barkeep told me you are the toughest broad in town." The lady is livid, and says, "Well he's a lyin' son of a bitch. I'm the toughest broad in Texas, and probably in the whole United States." Excitedly, the sheep herder says, "Well, you're just what I'm looking for. He then turned and leaned over to set the bucket of beer on the coffee table. Just then, the woman threw her skirt up around her waist and bent over and grabbed her ankles. Her brown eye was looking him right in the eyeball. A bit surprised, the sheep herder says, "Damn, baby. I know you're tough, but I don't wanna do ya that way." To which the wench replies, "Who said any thing about that? I thought you wanted to open your damn beers."
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Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No SIR," Earl replied, "we're on the patch."
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MALL SCAM ! BE WARNED !!! Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their wet skimpy little t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another mall. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then , one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday and also yesterday and , something tells me, most likely tomorrow. -mojo As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I become more in touch with my inner sociopath.
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Texas Tower Tricks! Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R." Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised !!" Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R." Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great !!" Pause: Static............. Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!" Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?" Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!! Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?. Moral: DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS !!!!

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*"True" complaints received by Britis Councils.
* My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. * My neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
* It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has back- fired and burnt my knob off.
* I wish to complain that my Father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
* I am having problems with next door and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
* Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink * Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
* I want to complain about the Farmer opposite; every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
* I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

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1 Comments:

At April 23, 2006 1:13 PM, Blogger Cigamybab said...

Wazz up

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