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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Want Some? Jokes That is hehehehe



FRACTURED NURSERY RHYMES FOR BIG KIDS

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
*****
JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

****
SIMPLE SIMON
met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb ass!"
***
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
****
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE
the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
****
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
****
There was a little girl
who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
she was very, very good.
But when she was bad.......
She got a fur coat, jewels,
a waterfront condo and a sports car.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
SPEEDING INSURANCE MAN

RAY..... The famous part time Florida skirt-chasing playboy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!" "Agreed!" answers the speeder. "You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy! It's a car!" "Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket. "Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy. "Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!" "Fair enough." "You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy! It's a motorcycle!" "Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?" "How the hell should I know!" answered Ray, exasperatedly. "Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.n"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then." "Go ahead" "You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy. "Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!" "Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




This guy goes into a whore house and gives the lady at the front desk $500 and tells her that he wants a woman that can handle him. She replies, go down the hall and its the second door on the right. He does and just as they get started she starts screaming from the pain. He then marches back to the front desk and tell the woman that he said he wanted a woman that could handle him. She says, ok go down the hall and its the third door on the left. He does and once again the woman starts screaming just as they get started. Then he goes back to the front desk and she says I know I know you want a women that can handle you. She says, ok ok this time go all the way down the hall and down the stairs, there won't be any lights so just feel around till you hit something wet and stick it in. He does this and just as they get started nothing happens there isn't any screaming. Well he thinks, finally, this could work. As he gets into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby". She replies "MOOOOOO"!
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two new firemen had been with the department for several months and had never actually been to a fire when they got a report of a large barn fire. The chief decides that this would be a good one for the new guys and tells them that he is sending them out and that it should be a fairly straightforward fire and they should have no problems. The two firemen were gone for a good five or six hours and the chief hadn't heard from them and was getting worried so he drives out to the site to see what the problem is. When he gets there the fire is pretty much out and the barn is a big pile of smoldering ruble but one of the firemen has the farmer bent over screwing the hell out of him while the other fireman is on the other end getting a blowjob. The chief asks 'what the hell are you guys doing?' One of the firemen explains that the poor farmer was overcome with smoke. The chief says 'Well you were supposed to give him mouth to mouth." The other fireman says 'Well just how do you think all this got started?'
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




This One is Perfect!!!

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen
her excitement-- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had
found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed
mother-of-the-bride ever !

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
"young" wife had bought the exact same dress her mother had bought.
Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a
million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days
later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they
stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return
the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could
wear it.
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding !"

NOW I ASK YOU; IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T
ENJOY THIS STORY!
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

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