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Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Wed Nite Laughter and Giggles



My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong. "I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him. "Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?" "No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."
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A substitute teacher walks into the classroom. On the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Jacobs, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!" She yells, "Who's Jimmy Jacobs?" This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Jacobs." "Well, Jimmy, your staying after school! The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."
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In our local department store, a salesperson was waiting on a young woman whose recent wedding we had both attended. The new bride asked to see twin-bed sheets. The clerk bit her lip as she rummaged through the packages on the shelf. Finally she burst out, "It's none of my business, but twin beds? You're practically still on your honeymoon!" It was the saleswoman's turn to blush as the bride picked out one package of sheets. "You're taking it for granted that we have two twin beds," she replied
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Dear Potential Investor:

I know you are always looking for sound opportunities for investment. I don't know if you would be interested in this, but I thought I would mention it to you because it could be a real "sleeper" in making a lot of money with very little investment. A group of us are considering investing in a large cat ranch near Hermosille, Mexico. It is our purpose to start rather small, with about one million cats. Each cat averages about twelve kittens each year; skins can be sold for about 20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents for the black. This will give us 12 million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of around 32 cents, making our revenues about $3 million a year. This really averages out to $10 thousand a day - excluding Sundays and holidays. A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will only take 663 men to operate the ranch so the net profit would be over $8,200 per day. Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively. Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If we start with a million rats, we will have four rats per cat each day. The rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this that this business is a clean operation -- self- supporting and really automatic throughout. The cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats and we will get the skins. Let me know if you are interested; as you can imagine, I am rather particular who I want to get into this, and want the fewest investors possible. Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with snakes, for they will skin themselves twice a year! This would save the labor costs of skinning as well as give me two skins for one cat. May I hear from you at your earliest opportunity?
Sincerly The Cat Woman
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A bewildered-looking man walked up to one of our bank's customer- service representatives. "I want to deposit my paycheque, but I'm not sure how to do it," he said. "No problem," said Linda as she took his cheque and passbook. There was a flurry of activity for a few moments, and then his passbook was handed back to him. The man looked at his book, noting the deposit and, smiling, said, "That's it?" "That's it. Just give your paycheque to me, and I'll take care if it." The man suddenly looked at her curiously. "Say," he drawled, "are you my wife?"
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A squad of Marines were driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad. They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the marine was asked what had happened. The Marine reported; "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier." "What happened then?" the corpsman asked. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of Shit, and he yelled back: 'Tom Daschle, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton are miserable pieces of Shit'. "We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."
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My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?" My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply: "No -- DOOR! Trust me. I went to college."
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As the father of five young children, I commented at the dinner table one evening that they hadn't missed me while I was away on a two-week business trip. But my six-year-old daughter explained, "That's because Mommy never told us you were gone."
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If you are having sex with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely.
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This year all the players on the Aggie football team made straight 'A's in the same semester. Next term they'll work on writing 'B's.
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What did the forgetful skunk say when the wind changed direction? It's all coming back to me now!
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