Wednesday White Trash Mess
I don't care what your hobby is before puberty hits, because as soon as it does, nature assigns you a new one. Let's just say that when I was 14 I was treated for tennis elbow, and I didn't even own a racquet. I wasn't exactly subtle about my self-discovery either. I had tiki torches all around my bed, a poster of Farrah Fawcett on my ceiling and a spring-loaded tissue dispenser on my nightstand while I worked my own crank like it was the gearshift on a Volkswagen bus that I was trying to rock out of a mud hole. Ah, the good old days--last Thursday. You know, there was a time when men dreaded getting old because they knew it would rob them of their sexual power. But thanks to modern medicine, couples are having sex well into their 70s and 80s, to the point where you can now buy edible panties fortified with calcium. I guess like all things in this era of unfettered capitalism, science and technology have turned human sexuality into yet another profit center. Between penile lengthening, Viagra and boob jobs, doctors are nailing up shingles to get in on all the nailing going on. You've got guys who haven't even been to medical school setting up shop in a kiosk on a traffic island on Sunset Boulevard who'll inject chicken fat into your dick for $20 at a red light. Or $10, if you've got the Entertainment '99 coupon book. Hey, civilizations come and go, but the one constant throughout the ages has been and always will be the orgasm. Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief--I don't care what your social strata is. When that climax lightning bolt comes roaring down your loins, there's only one thing on your mind: why in the hell is everybody else on this bus starin' at me?
Q. What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A. A crack in the ceiling.
"When Tiger Woods first became well-known, he was "racially mixed." Then he was one-half black. Later, he became very well-known, and he was one-fourth black. What is he? Milk? Two percent, one percent, skim? But just wait until he commits a crime. The newspapers will say, 'Black Man Arrested On Felony Charges.' He won't be able to play on those exclusive private golf courses anymore; he'll have to go to those public ones and play with O.J. 'What'd you do, Tiger?' 'Oh, Man! I thought she was 18, O.J. What'd you do?' 'Nothin'.'
Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome late one afternoon. It starts getting dark and one of the nuns gets a little nervous. She leans over to the other nun and says, "I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."
Why Men Shouldn't Take Messages...Husband's note to wife: "Doctor's office called: Said Pabst Beer is normal."
How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm? Call her and tell her where you are.
Epitaph for a golfer: When I die, bury my balls beside the old bag.
Q. What's the best thing to come out of a man's dick when you stroke it?
A. The wrinkles.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ... "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so Good!"
Why We Love Children
NUDITY : I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
HONESTY: My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago." OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read: "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year- old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said. Then she added, "Mommy can' t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE #1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POL ICE #2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz:Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....
"Senility Prayer"..God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."
Have a great week!!!!!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the driveway is flooded the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, there is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I have sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!