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Saturday, April 01, 2006

You Might Need a Line



My friend has a job installing pipe. When Friday comes, he tells his boss it's time to pay the piper.
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Celibacy is not hereditary.
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Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
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Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
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"Normal" is a setting on a washing machine.
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I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
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Do you think Dan Quayle supports NATOE?
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My wife tends to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, things are rarely well enough.
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Homeless man's sign at corner of 14th Street: "Why lie? I need a beer."
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To err is human, to moo, bovine.
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Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
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Childhood: That period when nightmares occur only during sleep.
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If you're waiting in line to be seated at a nice restaurant, you can always figure a wait of two hours or a twenty -- whichever comes first.
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Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
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One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
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It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.


Some people kiss with their eyes closed. Too bad they also marry the same way.
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Is a computer virus covered by Medicare?
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Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?
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"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"
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"It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"
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"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"
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"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"
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"How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?"
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What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.
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You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead.
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Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard that's it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.
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For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.
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Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
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"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
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"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"
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"A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"
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"Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income. "
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"A wedding ring is like a tourniquet -- it cuts off your circulation!"
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"A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!"
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"It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they're being misquoted!"
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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Some people work up steam and some only generate a fog.
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"Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch." - Dave James
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Some people practice what they preach, others just practice preaching.
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I would have felt better about Kosovo if Clinton would have personally lead the ground attack.
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"Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!"
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"Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for ten grand, he'll show you the door!"
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"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"
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"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"
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"Thanks to the taxation we are subjected to, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many American's sleeping arrangements!"
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"Most people are so lazy, that they don't even exercise good judgement!"
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The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
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"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"
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"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"
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"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"
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"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"
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On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
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I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
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If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
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I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
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Some people have more problems than an arithmetic book.
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Some people itch for success when they should be scratching for it.
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Some people keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and call it experience.
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Some people can't tell a lie, others can't tell the truth, and others can't tell the difference.
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My Dog Can Lick Anyone
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Why do they call it "Saturday Night Live" when over half of it is on Sunday?
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
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Some people drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.
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Women do it all the time. Some people get lost in thought because it is unfamiliar territory.
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I asked my friend what sign he was born under and he said he was conceived under the "No Parking" sign.
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Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.
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Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
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Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen...
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What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
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Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
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If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
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If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
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Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?
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No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
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A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
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It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
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When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
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If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
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I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
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"Daddy, before you married Mom, who told you how to drive?"
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I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day
Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
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I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
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Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
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Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
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My Reality Check bounced.
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Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
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You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
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Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
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AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
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A sausage walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve food here."
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A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve poultry." The chicken replies, "That's ok, I only want a drink."
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If you've ever driven a Yugo, you know the real reason we're bombing Kosovo.
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Lexuses or Lexi? It's like the man who wanted to buy two mongoose. Or is it mongeese? Or mongooses? He finally said, "Send me a mongoose, and tomorrow send me another one."
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My wife asked me if I put the cat out. I said I didn't know it was on fire.
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If you don't want anyone to get your goat, don't let them know where you have it tied.
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My horoscope said that the finger of fate will point at me. Unfortunately, it was the middle finger of fate.
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Thank God I'm an atheist.
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Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?
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Why do hot dogs come ten in a package and the buns only eight?
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What's the difference between slime and a lawyer? I've been looking for years, I still can't find any. "99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name." -- Steven Wright
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Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
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I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
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I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
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Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security
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Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
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A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
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If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
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Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
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TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
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The beatings will continue until morale improves.
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Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
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We waste time, so you don't have to.
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Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
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A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
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When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
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INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
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4 Comments:

At April 01, 2006 6:25 PM, Blogger Junebugg said...

Dag, you got a lot of giggles and a bit of truth in there! Happy April Fool's day!

 
At April 06, 2006 1:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

 
At April 06, 2006 1:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

 
At April 06, 2006 2:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

 

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