Again With The Friday Mess
The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson " patient. The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night. The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that I am Not Lord Nelson." "That's wonderful," said the doctor. "Who are you?" Smiling coyly, the patient replied, "I know now that I am Lady Nelson."
** A teenager is **
** -A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
** -A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
Weird Fact :Actor Bruce Willis's real name is Walter.
Q: How do you get four faggots to share a barstool?
Q: Turn it upside down!
What's the most popular pick up line in Tennessee? Nice tooth!
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, surprisingly enough, she readily agreed. "Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing. "Thirteen." she replied with a shy smile. "Thirteen??? My God girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered. Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"
A Chinese couple decided to make love on their wedding night in the
hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to
get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the
shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously
in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and
when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents
coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop
owner asked him which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom,
average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality,
is 25 cents each."
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While
the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice
and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started
screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning,
he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The
wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the
A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he
asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"
The father shouted "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks
in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be
over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the
back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
BIZARRE 911 CALLS
A thirty-year-old Maryland man called 911 and reported, "You gotta put
out the fire, man. My marijuana plants are burning." When the
fire-fighters team arrived they found the man sitting in his kitchen, in
the dark, strumming his guitar.
A man in La Vergne, Tennessee, called emergency 911 to report that he
and his wife had had a fight and he needed police to come to his house
and stop her from pouring out all his beer.
Velma Ann Wantlin of Houma, Louisiana was issued a citation for improper
use of the 911 emergency line. Wantlin called 911 to report her husband
for preventing her from watching the season finale of Knots Landing.
[Dispatcher] 911. What's your emergency?
[Caller] I'm scared.
[Dispatcher] What's the problem?
[Caller] I just got a Ouija board for my birthday and now there's
writing on my wall and I can't get it off....This thing is going back to
Kmart first thing in the morning!
A young, pregnant newlywed was visiting her doctor for a maternity checkup. The doctor checked her out and knowing this was her first child asked her if she had any questions. The young woman blushed and said, "...er...Doctor, my husband wanted to know...ah...how long I can continue to ah...er..." "Now, now," said the doctor in reassuring tones. "I know what you are asking. You can continue to have sex with your husband until the third trimester." "Oh no, Doctor. That's not what my husband wanted to know. He wanted to know how much longer I could mow the lawn."
The pastor of a church began his sermon with this story: "I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and finally even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could ...I don't know...do something religious?'" "So I took up a collection."
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."
The Relationship With Your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When ...
- She puts your dinner on the floor in the Rover Dish. - The milkman is wearing your bathrobe.
- You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show.
- She starts every sentence with the words ... "To whom it may concern."
- Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident."
- The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit.
- Her mother looks at you and starts laughing.
- You are urged to stir your coffee "very well," before drinking it.
- Your favourite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet.
- All of your shirts have a target painted on them.
People are already referring to her as the "widow."
- You come home and all that is left of the house is the foundation.
- Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads ... "Joe's Place."
An older couple is lying in bed one morning,
having just awakened from a good night's sleep.
The husband takes her hand and she responds, "Don't
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about?
We're both lying here in bed together talking to one
She says. "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world
makes you think you're dead?"
Q: What is the difference between a thong and barbed wire?
A: No difference, both protect the property without
obstructing the view
After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I
happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced
with the daunting task of finding our cars in the
crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped,
and I was able to locate my vehicle easily.
Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like
that to help me find my car."
"Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."
Last night, three of my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out
a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked
the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy
back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other cheek. In another attempt
to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the
guy over and licks the $50 bill. I'm getting worried about the way things are
going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over
to me!!!!! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to
try to top the $50 bill. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.....
What could I do???
The woman in me took over!! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass
and grabbed the eighty bucks.