Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Again With the Wednesday Mess

It was a summer night in 1942 when we landed in a small inlet on the
coast of the Red Sea. Our orders were clear. Dressed as Bedouins we
were to cross the Arabian Desert to meet our contacts near the Nile
where we were to obtain vital information regarding Rommel's forces.
We were given a map showing each rivulet and creek as we could carry
only a limited amount of water. We had to travel primarily at night
because of the extreme heat. Each time we reached another creek on
the map, we would find only a wadi, totally dry this time of the
year. In spite of extreme thirst and dehydration, we finally
staggered to our assigned destination where we were met by Arab
nomads loyal to the Allied cause. We explained that we had crossed
the desert without water as every river bed was dry. "Of course," we
were told, "you went from one ex-stream to another."

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back." She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name. They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who Gives A Shit Anyhow?"
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.


On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say, "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

A man had just finished reading a new book titled "You Can Be The Man Of Your House".

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen."From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The freaking funeral director would be my guess."

Weird Fact of the Day:
Airports that are at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
The makers of French's mustard recently made the following statement:
"We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our
product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has
there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country
of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The
only thing that we have in common is the fact that we are both yellow"

Big John limped into the pub looking like he'd been run over by a
truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his arm
and leg in a cast. His friend bought him a beer, then asked, "What
the hell happened?" He said, "Remember that smashing redhead, Ginny,
I met here last night? So sweet and pure as the driven snow? Well, I
went on a date with her tonight. I ended up having to fight for her
honor and purity." "Yeah. But that little honey was determined to
keep it."


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