And Now What?
"This is the 100th anniversary of the devastating San Francisco earthquake. 100 years ago today. FEMA is on the way." ~David Letterman
"Two celebrity birthdays today. Matthew Broderick and Rosie O'Donnell. They both turned 44 today. They also celebrated the same way - their wives cooked them a steak." ~David Letterman
"The Department of Homeland Security announced they will be ready to deal with hurricanes in the future. Like today, they called their cable company and ordered the weather channel." ~Jay Leno
During my recent hospital incarceration, I learned that there's a new staff dietician and food service management team in place. - On the second day after some rough early morning, pre-op testing, having been preceded by the previous day's necessary fasting, they brought me a thick vegetable soup for lunch at 11:00AM, , but I refused it. At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve me the same soup, but my stomach and appetitie just couldn't hack it, so I once again refused it. - Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times cuz of the continuing abdominal queasiness I rejected the soup, so I thought they finally gave up. - But during the night, through the drugged assisted haze of sleep and in preparation for the next day's procedure, I foggily realized they had entered my room at around 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and had given me an enema each time. - Since I finally was released and have been home, I've been advising friends who are facing any possible medical trips to the hospital, "Whatever you do, if you have to go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it !!! .... - Cuz let me tell you, If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're sound asleep and shove it up your ass!
The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem." "High-speed modem?" questions the judge. "Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor." "Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!" "Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom." "12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge. "Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk." "And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related... Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days." "Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is." "That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO OVERHEAR OVER AN AIRLINE P.A. SYSTEM Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices...
Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts
Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock.... one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!! ummmmmm....
Sorry......(silence) (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back....we..we....uhhhhhh....forgot something.....
I'm sure everyone has noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft
Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)
This is your Captain speaking.... these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to... so you'll have to give me some leeway......
It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the inflight movie.
We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and Oh shit..
Don't worry that one is always on E...
Get the parachutes ready...
Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...
Hey capt'n take another hit man...
Hey, why don't you tell the new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane...
Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten bridesmaids.
The five good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for
their lamps; five bad bridesmaids did not.
The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always
end on a high note.
Last Sunday the priest ended with...
"Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids
or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids?"
I wasn't the only one who got it wrong!
THINGS TO WONDER ABOUT:
1. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
2. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
3. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
4. If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
5. If corn oil is made from corn, vegetable oil is made from vegetables, and olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made from?
6. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
7. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?
COMPUTERS ARE LIKE MEN:
...They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.
...They have a lot of data but are clueless.
...As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
...They hear what you say but not what you mean.
COMPUTERS ARE LIKE WOMEN:
...No one but the creator understands their internal logic.
...The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
...Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
...As soon as you make a commitment to one you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accesssories for it.
...You do the same thing for years and suddenly it's wrong.
Weird Fact :
Another word for hiccups is "singultus."
"For the first time ever, President Bush welcomed some gay couples to the White House Easter Egg Roll. He recognized one couple. He went over to them and said, 'Didn't you used to be governor of New Jersey?'" ~Jay Leno