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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

And What is Your Point?




He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
.
Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.

What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.

The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was
a-salted.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.


A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him; 1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel, 2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and 3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it." The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks mom. "Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!" "Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?" "Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!" "What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?" "Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands out and said; "What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!" "WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?" "Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Once upon a time, there was a sweet, cute, darling little girl named Little Red Riding Hood who was going to her grandma's house at the other end of the forest. Along the way, she meets a Big Bad Wolf who asks in a polite voice, "Little girl, where are you going on this nice fine day?" "Well, actually, my ma told me not to talk to strangers," Little Red Riding Hood says. "But since you are such a nice wolf, I'll tell you. I'm going to my grandma's house at the other end of the forest." "It's so sad, but I'm not going by that way; see you some other time!!!" And with that, the sneaky, no good, Big Bad Wolf dances away to grandma's house at the other end of the forest, chuckling to himself, "Hee hee, kids nowadays, little do they know..." So Little Red Riding Hood slowly proceeds, arriving at her grandma's house late in the afternoon. The door is ajar, and a strange deathly silence permeated the air. "Oh grandma, I'm here to visit you!!!" "Ooooh dearie, I'm inside, sick in bed," a gruff voice replies. Little Red Riding Hood enters the house, only to see a huge *thing* lying on the bed. "Oooh grandma, what BIG ears you have." "Better to hear you with dear... (hee, hee)" "Oh grandma, what BIG eyes you have." "Better to see you with dear... (hee, hee)" "Oooh grandma, what BIG teeth you have." "(hee, hee) Better to EAT YOU with..." And the Big Bad Wolf leaps hungrily out of bed, ready to pounce on poor, cute, defenseless, and darling Little Red Riding Hood... Only to see her rip out a .44 Magnum from under her basket and unload four rounds, point-blank, into his belly. "Arrrghh," the Big Bad Wolf cries in pain. "Kids nowadays. I shudaff known."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Here's how it works in Louisiana: The steps at the Louisiana State capitol need some repairs, so bids are taken from carpenters from across the state. First a carpenter from Alexandria looks it over. After a session of measuring and figuring he presents his bid. I can do it for $9,000, he says. I'd need $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me. Next a redneck from Monroe does his measuring and calculating then says, I'll do it for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me. Last a Cajun from Breaux Bridge steps up. Without even looking at the job site he says, I'll do it for $27,000. Surprised at how high it is, the man taking the bids asks him to explain it. It's simple, he says. $10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the dumba$$ carpenter from Monroe.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



Excuses for Being Late for Work


"Actually, I've been here for over 20
minutes, big guy --
I was just out chillin' in the van waiting
for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'."

"I keep forgetting which side of the
International Date Line you're on."

"We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?"

"It took this long to get the ol' blood
alcohol level down
to the legal driving limit."

"I had to take extra time this morning to
wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by
reassuring myself that nothing would happen today
that would push me over the edge."

"My proctologist got stuck."

"It was Senator Kennedy's turn to drive
today, so I've spent the last hour swimming."

"I'm late because I was on the phone trying
to get *your*
lousy shipping department to send the
company's office
supplies directly to the winner of my eBay
auction."

"Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're
as strung out on crystal meth as I am."

"Sorry, sir. I overslept and dreamt I had
a dead-end job,
a windowless office and a humorless baboon
for a boss."

"Heidi Klum refused to untie me."

"On the second Tuesday of the month, the
Campho-Phenique man
comes by to fill the drum for my home
supply of industrial-
strength anti-canker sore gel."

"I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get
you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts."

"It took me a little longer than normal to
hide my disdain this morning... Sir."

"My dog ate my presentation, sir. And by
'my dog' I mean your wife, and by 'ate my
presentation' I mean
'was boinking me'."

"These are not the 'droids you're looking
for."

1 Comments:

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