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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Buxom Bluebird



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+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Kids Talk About Their Moms:
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like He made me. He just used
bigger parts.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The musicians were always bickering, and it really hurt the
orchestra's performance. The more they fought, the less well they
were able to play together. Finally the conductor said he was
instituting a series of fines for any musician who squabbled with
another, in an effort to stop hurting the orchestra. He said the
fines would be known as Harm Money. Cynthia MacGregor
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.
She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you,
Johnny?" "Milk!" answered Little Johnny. "No, I'm sorry. That's the
wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher. "Wow!"
Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Last night my daughter and her husband fixed dinner for his mother
and me, it being some special day or other; it was easy for the
daughter--her husband is the cook. So, she recruited me to help with
a gardening problem. She has an industrial strength climbing rose,
which broke free from its trellis last year, and has been roaming the
rest of the flower bed, seeking whom it might devour. The nearest
victim was a large and once promising herb, now largely engulfed by
the rampant rose. Fortunately, it's just the beginning of the North
Carolina rose season, and with clippers and twist tabs and lots of
scratches, we were able to untangle the rose, handcuff it back to the
trellis, and salvage most of the battered herb. Whereupon I said to
my daughter, "We partially saved the rosemary in time."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think
I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh
boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose
it is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for
dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am
lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really
give me a cracker? FUCK NO!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with
the fridge."

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! Oh brilliant, asshole. There's a new one!"

Cat: "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."

Dog: "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem
unable to stop myself from looking for it."

Dog: "Why is the baby eating my food..."

Hamster: "Kill me, this wheel is boring."

Iguana: "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with
my food bowl, my water and these annoying wood chips scraping my ass.

Dog: "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my crap! Well if I'm ever
hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."

Dog: "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."

Cat: "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off
the
balcony' test again."

Gerbil: "OH NO, not again!"



Why Men Should Be Built By Kodak

They would automatically shut off when they weren't
being used.

You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after
each shot.

They last longer and come with a warranty.

You can try them out first for a two-week trial period
and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.

They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.

They come in fashion colors.

You can keep them in maximum zoom.

They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.

The parts that count are portable.

They don't mind over-exposure.

They respond to the slightest touch.

The one you want is available at a KMART near you.

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