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Friday, May 26, 2006




Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began, "They
accuse me of intervening in Angola..." and a man going through the
audience called out, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

Castro went on: "They say I'm intervening in Mozambique..." and the
same
loud voice shouted, "Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro continued: "They say I'm intervening in Nicaragua..." and the
voice yelled again, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered, "Bring that man
who is shouting 'Peanuts! Popcorn!' to me, and I'll kick him all the
way
to Miami."

And everybody in the audience started shouting, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Many of the expressions used in dysfunctional families are
similar to
those used in normal families except in the case of dysfunctional
families,
the communicator just makes it come out wrong, right? Here are just a
few
examples:

THE GREETING
Normal Family: Hi, it's great to see you!
Dysfun. Family: Well, you're finally here--we about gave up on you.
Weren't
you supposed to be here about half an hour ago?

THE INQUIRY
Normal Family: How have you been?
Dysfun. Family: Well, are you still at that same LITTLE job? Do you
still
have that same LITTLE house?

THE COMPLIMENTS
Normal Family: Nice car you've got there.
Dysfun. Family: Is THAT your new car? How much did you have to pay
for that
thing?

Normal Family: This dessert you brought is delicious.
Dysfun. Family: This dessert is pretty good. (Phrased in disbelief)
Did YOU
make it?

Normal Family: You look well.
Dysfun. Family: Have you put on some weight? I hardly recognized you.

Normal Family: I like your outfit.
Dysfun. Family: Is that a new outfit? I bet you got it on sale,
didn't you?

THE CLARIFICATION (about anything)
Normal Family: Could you explain that a little better? I'm not sure I
understand.
Dysfun. Family: What did you mean by that? (Very suspiciously) What
was
that remark supposed to mean?

ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN
Normal Family: How have the children been?
Dysfun. Family: Have your kids done anything constructive lately?

Normal Family: The children are really growing.
Dysfun. Family: That one's hair is too long and that one there-- she
thinks
she's pretty smart, doesn't she? Don't let them touch anything,
they'll
ruin it.

FUTURE PLANS
Normal Family: Let's get together again soon.
Dysfun. Family: We'll see you in six months (if we don't have anything
better to do.)

THE PARTING
Normal Family: We'll be in touch.
Dysfun. Family: Why don't you ever call? We don't understand why we
don't
hear from you more often.


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A COP:

1. You need at least 8 hours of sleep every night.

2. Sirens give you a headache.

3. You can't drive really fast, check a license plate on your in-car
computer, talk on the radio, and drink coffee, all at the same time.

4. When you see trouble brewing, your first reaction is to call 911.

5. When you get nervous, you have to pee, so you secretly wear adult
diapers, just in case it's going to be a busy night.

6. You're being called for back-up, but you don't go because it's too
dangerous.

7. At the scene of a riot, you refuse to get out of the car until the
crowd thins out.

8. A woman gives birth in the street and you give her a ticket for
littering.

9. You think frisking people and giving "mouth to mouth" to someone of
your own gender is politically incorrect.

10. You're a bleeder and you faint at the sight of a paper cut.



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
It was a Wednesday evening around suppertime. It was hot and overcast
outside but fortunately my wife and I were in the air-conditioned
comfort of our home when the telephone rang. My wife, being closer to
the phone, and quicker on the draw, answered it. The voice on the other
end said, "May I speak with Gail please?"

"She's not here," answered my wife Gail.

"To whom am I speaking?"

"This is Jean, her wife."

"Oh. OK. When will he be home?"

"She."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"She. SHE'LL be home around midnight. May I ask who's calling?"

"This is Aaron."

"And what company do you work for Aaron?"

"I can't divulge that information."

"What do you mean you can't divulge that information?"

"I'm calling to speak specifically with Gail."

"Anything you have to say to Gail you can say to me."

"I really can't do that."

"Sure you can, just pretend I'm her. I won't tell anybody."

"No ma'am I can't, really. I'm not allowed."

"Hold on just a second. You're in luck! She's home early and just
walked
in the door."

After giving me a quick briefing of the situation, my wife handed the
phone to me. "Hello?" I said.

"Gail?"

"Yes?"

"This is Aaron with AT&T."

"Hi Aaron. What's the big secret that you couldn't tell Jean?"

"We are only allowed to talk to the person we have listed on our
contact
list. I'm sorry sir."

"Ma'am."

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Is Gail the only contact person on your list?"

"No sir. ma'am. There is a Robert listed as well."

"Why didn't you ask to speak with him?"

"Could I speak with him?"

"He's not here can I take a message?"

"No but you're Gail right?"

"That's me."

"OK, I can talk to you. AT&T is aware that you have recently switched
to
another long distance carrier. We like to make you an offer to get you
back as an AT&T customer.

"Do you know why we switched?"

"No sir. ma'am, I don't. Would you like to tell me?

"Let me speak to Horace."

"There is no one here by that name."

"Then I cannot divulge that information."

"I would be happy to straighten out any problems you may have had with
AT&T. That's one of the reasons I'm calling today."

"No, I'm sorry. I can only talk to Horace. What time will he be there?"

"Nobody named Horace works here."

"Then I cannot divulge that information."

"I can assure you that it is alright to speak with me."

"Is your name Horace?"

"No but it's my job to help you with any problems you might have had
with us. Is there some reason why you can't talk to me about this?"

"I'm not allowed."

"Well, thank you and have a nice evening sir."

"Ma'am...."

(Click

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"Merlin, Inc. technical support. How can I help you?"

"Yesterday I've bought your sword..."

"Congratulations, sir, you've made the right choice!"

"It doesn't work."

"What does it mean - doesn't work?"

"It doesn't cut the dragon's head."

"Have you read the manual, sir?"

"A noble knight have not to know how to read! But my armour- bearer has
read it for me aloud twice."

"Well, sir. Have you taken the sword out of the sheath?"

"Yes."

"Is that really so? Check it again, please."

"I've done it, I say to you!" "

Okay, sir. Now check the edge sharpness."

"Ough!"

"You shouldn't do it with your finger, sir."

"What thinger? I've done it with my phongue! I always check a sharp
flavour of my dishes like that."

"You see, sir, a sword has a bit different construction than your
dinner
dishes. The term 'sharp' means here..."

"I'm not obliged to know you technical terms! I'm a user, not a
hardware
specialist. You'd better answer why doesn't it work!"

"Did it work before?"

"I don't know, I've bought it only yesterday!" "Okay, sir. Have you
done
anything with it?"

"No!"

"Are you sure?"

"Well, I only took it out of the sheath."

"Did you try to grind it yourself?"

"What for?"

"You know better, sir. Maybe you tried to install new spells on it?"


"No, I use the default ones, which are supplied with the sword!"

"Maybe it's the spoiling, sir? How long ago have you updated your holy
water?"

"I've downloaded the fresh version only two days ago!"

"I see, sir. Then look if there are unscreened sources of black magic
nearby. They may create hindrances for the sword."

"What sources?! I'm in the desert!"

"Don't be so nervous, sir."

"I'm not nervous!"

"Then why do you pant?"

"Because the dragon is chasing me!"

"Oh, so the dragon is near you?"

"Yes, genius, he is already QUITE near!"

"Excellent, sir! Give him the receiver."

"And what if he bites my arm off?"

"Sorry, sir, but medical issues are beyond our competence."

"Next time I'll buy a sword of Morgana, Ltd.!"

"Well... okay, sir. Describe at least how the dragon looks."

"Well, he is such... yellow... with a red moustache..."

"It's clear now. You should begin with it. It's a non-licensed dragon,
a
Chinese counterfeit."

"And?"

"Read the license agreement, sir. Merlin, Inc. doesn't guarantee any
compatibility with non-certified devices."

"And what shall I do?"

"Don't use cheap no-name dragons anymore, sir."

"Looks like HE is going to use me right now! Aaagh! No!
Aaaaarrrgghhh!!!!..."

"Sir? Sir, are you okay?... Well, in any case, Merlin, Inc. thanks you
for your business."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Interesting Facts About Texas

** There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in Texas.

** There are 10,000 types of spiders, and 10,001 live in Texas.

** If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

** The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until July 15; then it stops
totally.

** "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.

** "Fixin'ta" is one word.

** You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time
it
is.

** You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

** Green grass DOES burn.

** Texans really don't have an accent.

** Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th

** There are valid reasons for some people to put concertina wire
around
their house.grade.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

4 Comments:

At May 26, 2006 5:02 PM, Blogger jarhead john said...

That first cartoon is destined to be a classic! I've definitely made this one of my daily stops.

Great stuff!

 
At May 27, 2006 5:16 AM, Blogger Patty said...

Thank you John. I am pleased that you like it. Everyone is welcome here.

 
At June 08, 2006 12:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your site is on top of my favourites - Great work I like it.
»

 
At July 22, 2006 11:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looks nice! Awesome content. Good job guys.
»

 

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