Saturday, May 20, 2006

dirty saturday

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie ....

~ "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"
~ "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"
~ "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular
~ "Let's see ... hardtack and pemmican ... that's
three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and
two starches."
~ "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless
reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for
a more intuitive solution."
~ "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use
the little boys' room."
~ "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from
Tombstone, women is from Dodge."
~ "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the
left... Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
~ "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who
shot my therapist!"
~ "Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good
coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me ...
what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance
a jig or two?"
~ "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with
a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"
~ "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell
Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
~ "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon
he had a keen eye for interior decoration."
~ " Two fisted real men don't wanna get married...unless
they miss their Mommy's."
Q and A
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.


Hallmark cards

Things you won't read on Hallmark cards

FRONT: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

FRONT: If I get only one thing for Christmas,
INSIDE: I hope it's your friend.

FRONT: Congratulations on your promotion.
INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this
knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

FRONT: I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

FRONT: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.

FRONT: Looking back over the years that we've been
together, I can't help but wonder:
INSIDE: What the f___k was I thinking?

FRONT: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so
damn ugly.

FRONT: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough
to admit it.

FRONT: When we were together, you always said you'd
die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you
kept your promise.

FRONT: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since
I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister,
you cheating bastard!

FRONT: We have been friends for a very long time,
INSIDE: let's say we call it quits.

FRONT: I'm so miserable without you,
INSIDE: it's almost like you're here.

FRONT: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: buy a dog.

FRONT: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was

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