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Friday, May 12, 2006

DOWN & DIRTY FRIDAY (R)ATED



It's the "Courtesy Is Our Trademark" week at one store when an elderly lady walks in and starts bossing the sales assistants about, asking to be shown this and that just to go looking for something entirely different. Finally, when she has one of the assistants grabbing a step- ladder to bring a box from the top shelf, this man straightens his tie and starts walking out the door. The lady customer, in bewilderment, gasps and yells after him, "Wait a minute, what do you think you are doing?" The assistant turns around and with a polite smile answers pointing to the logo of the week. "We've got a week of special courtesy with our customers. So I'm taking the fucking hike for you..."
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A priest, a rabbi, and a mullah walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"
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"According to the Oxford dictionary, the number of words in the English language has now surpassed one billion. No wait - I'm sorry - that's the number of people in the U.S. who don't speak any English." --Jay Leno
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"Now the Supreme Court has ruled in favor of Anna Nicole Smith. Guess that lapdance for Clarence Thomas paid off." --David Letterman
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"Condoleezza Rice is the most popular member of the Bush administration. Yeah, experts say that claiming to be the most popular member of the Bush administration is like claiming you got the 'good' kind of Herpes." --Conan O'Brien
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During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for 'mad money', so she stuffed them in her gloves By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house. Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs , and asked where she was going. "I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them." "Oh you youngsters !" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Granddaddy's."
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A Native American Indian goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having
these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a
wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy.
What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're
two tents."
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A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence visit the day after the friend's wife of 30 years has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having sex with the maid. "Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!" His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?" Q: What is the definition of a Jewish menage a trois? A: Two headaches and a hard-on. The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. "Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."
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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars? "Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: "Would let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there" So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but no biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Too expensive."
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We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon. As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had both been waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, and she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered: "Baaaa", then re-joined the flock.
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The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time." The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads."
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This poor guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" "Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."
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Morris came home and found his wife Sadie crying. She said, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you're having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I've always been a good wife. I've cooked for you, raised your children, and have always been by your side for 35 years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Morris replied, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex." Sadie said, "If I moaned when we have sex, would you stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex." They went to the bedroom, got undressed, and jumped into bed. As they started kissing, Sadie said, "Now, Morris? Should I moan now?" He said, "No, not yet." He started to fondle her and she said, "What about now? Should I moan now?" He said, "No, I'll tell you when." He climbed on top of her and started to move on. She said, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?" He said, "Wait, wait, I'll tell you when." A few minutes later, just seconds before he was going to finish, he said "Now, Sadie. Moan. Moan!" She said, "Oy, you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."
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Four men went to play golf. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!" The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded." The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock and bond portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a new Mercedes, and a complete stock portfolio!
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Dear Diary, I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words I Do. My wife and I are getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman." I am thinking "what was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep. The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed dept store... I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her to take all three. She wanted matching shoes, I said "lets get a pair for each outfit." We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was ok. She was almost sexually excited from all of this. You should have seen her face when she said "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No, Honey, I don't feel like buying all of this stuff now." You should have seen her face...it went completely blank. I then said "Really, Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man." I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.
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2 Comments:

At May 22, 2006 3:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey what a great site keep up the work its excellent.
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At May 22, 2006 8:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very best site. Keep working. Will return in the near future.
»

 

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