Down -N-Dirty Saturday Snickers
After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said: "What can I get you, gorgeous?" The woman blushed and replied: "If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please." The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"
The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit.
Each one of us is a mixture of good qualities and some perhaps
not so good qualities. In considering our fellow man, we should
remember his good qualities and realize that his faults only prove
that he is, after all, a human being. We should refrain from making
harsh judgment of a person just because he happens to be a
dirty, rotten, no-good son-of-a-bitch."
While driving on the West-bound I-10 from Baton Rouge to New Orleans, my friends and I saw a couple of small signs every few miles. They read: "PMS Test Site." I still don't know what they were supposed to mean, but we've had plenty of speculation.
The cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back to the top of the gangplank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."
A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot. But the only words the parrot knows how to say are: "Who is it?" She takes the parrot home, but soon realizes that the bird's color clashes with the living room. So she calls an Interior designer, who says he will come by shortly. When the Decorator comes, the woman is out shopping. He knocks on the door, and the parrot says "who is it?" The man says, "It's the decorator." The parrot says "who is it?" The man says "It's the decorator." The parrot says "Who is it?" The man says "It's the decorator!!!" The parrot says "who is it?" The man screams "The decorator!" The decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot. The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch. She says, "Oh my gosh...who is it?" The parrot replies, "It's the decorator!"
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty toll booth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes; a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?" The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
If you want to make people angry, lie.
If you want to make them livid, tell the truth.
Signs You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for
a "cigarette break".
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours,
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying.
"Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys".
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you
were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.