"Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way."
"Well, the worst way I know of is with my ex-wife."
A dog saw somebody putting money into a parking meter and reported to the other dogs, "They're putting in pay toilets!"
One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring then said, "Isn't having nine babies a little much?" "Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air." "Yes," said the priest, "your knees!"
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous, of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink. if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no one will know" The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that drunken lush Nun again is it?"
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah; there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana; there are only 50 nuns living there." The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho; there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell?...... there aren't any nuns living there.
An Angora rabbit decides he wants good sex, so he goes to one of those houses. There, he asks the keeper a fox, of course for a mate. "For you, I got this nice little squirrel," says the fox. "No, better give me a Boa snake," replies the rabbit. "But a Boa will eat a little Angora rabbit like you alive!" says the fox. "Never mind, just give me the woman -- I want a big, long, cold Boa snake," answers the rabbit. So he is taken to this incredible Boa female. Seeing the little rabbit, the snake swallows it in a second. But, because it's an Angora rabbit, the Boa, with its stomach irritated by the fur, spits the little animal out, so powerful, that the rabbit lands two kilometers away. In the end, the rabbit slowly gets on his feet, with a huge smile expressing happiness and content on his face, and proudly says to himself: "Oh, boy, what a blow job!"
A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down
one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea
mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past. "My, what
was that?" exclaimed the woman. "Oh, that's just the Presidential
Seal," replied the guide.
I was teaching my kids some new vocabulary words for the next story
we were going to read. I asked my students what kind of word (noun,
verb, adverb, past tense verb, etc...) "volunteered" was. Alejandro
raised his hand and with a straight face answered, "A helping verb."
His straight face lasted about a half a second before he had to crack
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she
told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace
for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know
tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small
package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to
find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams."
Weird Fact :
The Titanic's whistles could be heard from 11 miles away.
Weird Fact :
In Singapore, it is illegal to sell or own chewing gum.
Weird Fact :
The six official languages of the United Nations are Arabic, Chinese, English, French, Russian, and Spanish.
The pound key (#) on the keyboard is called an octothorpe.
Here's a list of my favorite things to do..... well, there's sex, you can have sex, sexual intercourse, a quickie, consummate a marriage, couple, copulate, coddle, or commit the act of procreation. You could be making whoopee, making love, love making, scrogging, slapping skin, or sweating to the oldies. You could sleep with someone, sleep together, sleep around, fool around, whore around, screw around, or just screw, shag, shank, score, fornicate, fork, pork, pump, poke, plank, pound, boff bonk, bop, bone bang, or boink. you could be dancing between the sheets, doing the horizontal bop, the horizontal mambo, the prone boogie, or even the hunka-chunka. You could be humping, bumping, humping and bumping, bumping uglies, the ol' bump and grind, or making the two backed beast. You could play doctor, hide the salami, hide the sausage, because dammit, it's the most fun you can have with your clothes off. You could break in a new mattress, or give the old one a workout. You could be squeaking the springs, annoying the neighbors, or making a big mistake. You could get them in the sack, get little action, get a little nookie, get a piece of tail, get a piece of ass, get it on, get some, get frisky, get lucky, get laid, get all hot and sticky, or just get it wet, and, i'm not making this up, get a little sticky steak up in this bitch. You could be mounted, mounting, rutting, breeding, starting a family, pulling the train, slamming the stack. Two for me, none for you. Not going anywhere for a while? You could turn a trick, or take pity on the poor bastard and give it away. Happy hammering, hammer, nail, sow your wild oats, lose your virginity, or induce pregnancy the old fashioned way. Take a roll in the hay, a trip to the tunnel of love, or a trip to paradise if you're taking the scenic route. Hit a home run, hit the twizzer, knock boots, tap that ass, shoplift the pootie, plunder the booty, count the ceiling tiles, ruin a friendship, or close the scroat. Do the wild thing, do it, doing it, doing the nasty, the nasty, the old in-out in-out, dip the wick, dip the stick (or if you're with a moron you could stick the dip). Wet the noodle, check the oil, check the temperature, give her the pork sword injection, or the hot beef injection, depending on your religion. Or perhaps even commit assault with a vein laden meat pipe (that's my favorite) You could give in, give it up, go for it, go for the gold, go for the gusto, go for broke, or even go all the way, after all, it is the fastest way to the top. You could engage in a fluid transfer, relieve some tension, relieve some pressure, or experience a hormonal episode. it's a labor of love, hanky panky, and as a friend of mine once said "the noblest of all causes" or....you could just FUCK
A little twisted... You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman...Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."
THE CLASSIC GIFT
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, as they had not been dating for long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right romantic note, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
Darling, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,