A Few For Monday Night
RETIRED HUSBAND AT WAL-MART
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior
and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your
husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.
MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done
while his spouse was shopping in our store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's
6 September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
12 December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
And; last, but not least!
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited
awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
THINGS I KNOW THAT I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only
in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and
white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
14. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side
of the street parking is suspended.
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can
make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner
at 4:00 PM in Florida.
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
1. Under same management for over 5763 years.
2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom
should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future
of the Jewish people is in your hands."
6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They
sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on
white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
8. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?,"
flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my
Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
9. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the
local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr.
are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a nice
10. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of
from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have
people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names,
week I received a letter from someone who signed his name....
forgot to write a letter.
11. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated
in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long,
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I
agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
12. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of
and asks, "Is anything all right?"
Yes, parenthood changes everything, but parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
1st baby You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
1st baby You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
1st baby You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby Boys can wear pink, can't they?
1st baby At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your first born.
3rd baby You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
1st baby You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
1st baby The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home 1st baby You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.