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Friday, May 19, 2006

Friday Funnies



The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair. "Listen to these features: it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that's not all..." "Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, "but before I place an order I'll have to try it out." "Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously. No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth: "One at a time, please, one at a time!"
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My son had absentmindedly left his sneakers on our kitchen table. "That's disgusting," my husband grumbled. "Doesn't he realize that we eat off that table?" Then he went back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. When I came home, I couldn't set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a car muffler.
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Two little girls are looking at a book of fairy tales. "Who's that on the cover?" asks the younger of the two. "That's Cinderella." replied her friend. "It's a nice story with a happy ending." "But why is she crying?" the first asked. "She doesn't look so happy to me." "Because her wicked step-Mother won't let her go to the mall." answered the second.
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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
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To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne?"
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On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer. Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize me."
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The company I worked for had an employee suggestion competition, the entire staff was asked to submit entries that would save money for the firm. The winner was a man who suggested the company post corporate memos on bulletin boards, instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution. He got a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock. A memo announcing the winner went out to 200 people.
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Our Town Is So Small... our city limits signs are both on the same post! the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch the 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2 the phone book has only one page the ZIP code was a fraction Second Street is in the next town over +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said,"Where would man be today if it were not for woman?" She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?" From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."
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A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought "The Almighty" had given him two feet. Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the brake and one for the accelator."
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Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it." "Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
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The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious. "Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup - aren't they foreign objects?" She is scrutinizing his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live around here."
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"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "Would you be so kind as to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? All I have in the world is this gun."
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A therapist says to her new patient, "So, you said that you want to see me because you keep obsessing about your mother. Can you tell me a little bit about that?" "Well," says the man, "it started last week. One day I woke up and started thinking about my mother. I couldn't get her out of my mind, so I called her to see if everything was all right. She said that she was fine, but that didn't help me. I still kept thinking about her all day and night. "Doc, you've gotta help me. Every night I lie awake thinking about her. I can't sleep until I go downstairs and eat a piece of dry toast." The therapist says to him, "Just one piece of dry toast for a big boy like you?"
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A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Just check yes, Chuck!!!"

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