Friday, May 19, 2006

Friday Stuff For My Buddies

A group of politicians was traveling by bus across the country to
campaign for one of their own. The bus driver dozed off and lost
control of the bus. It ran off the highway, rolled over twice,
wrapped around a huge oak tree and burst into flames.

A trucker happened upon the terrible scene. He looked the
situation over, walked back to his truck and got a shovel and began
burying the politicians right on the spot.

Soon a highway patrolman arrived at the crash scene along with five
ambulances and other emergency equipment. The officer saw the trucker
standing off to the side of the accident, resting on his shovel. The trucker s
aid, "Officer, I could tell by the banners and stuff that this was a bus load
of politicians. So I went ahead and buried them.

The highway patrolman nodded and then said, "So, they were all dead,

The trucker smiled and said, "Oh, some of them said they weren't dead.
But you know how politicians lie."

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied
"No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment...then took her foot and
stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay." "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor. "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep. The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!" The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-
in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to
the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter
attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd
have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?,"
his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.
"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading
a book. The other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king
of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
Users of a certain computer operating system are famously untroubled
by viruses. Still, there has been a very strange thing happening
lately to these computer users and experts are finding it tough to
explain. It's not a virus really, but somehow these particular
computers have been unexpectedly displaying images of fiddles.
They're oddly reminiscent those crazy flying toasters from several
years back, as these musical instruments just mysteriously show up on
the computer screen suddenly, without warning and seemingly for no
reason. There's no spam associated with it. It doesn't erase your
hard drive or seem to do anything other than display cryptic photos
of fiddles at odd moments. Police are having trouble establishing a
possible motive for this mischief or citing any suspected
perpetrators. Still, they're troubled by these "Random Macs of
Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and/or use a better lubricant.

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of
the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind
of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were
perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over the
"Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was
in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure
there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder
room for female skiers in distress.
He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had
nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12
below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since
she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no
one would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than
adequate camouflage."

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded
to do her thing.

If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right
way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.

Yup, you got it! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not
forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing
through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her
derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees,
and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for
the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided
violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned
the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the
bed next to hers.

"So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift
and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing
backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of
her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift."

..... "So, how'd you break your arm?



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