Friday's Follies (Some Old Some New )
Things Overheard While Having Sex
"A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for ten?"
"Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow ... That's goo-- AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!"
"Dammit! They just don't make these colostomy bags as strong as they used to!"
"Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL! Oooh, your batteries just died!" " ... 'Rectum? It nearly killed him.' Get it? Wait ... come back!"
"No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax."
"It's called a 'bra.' Women wear them under their clothes."
"Don't laugh -- if *all* penises were this small, birth control would be a thing of the past!"
"OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say 'Captain, I can sense your throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, try it again with more accent!"
"Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!"
"Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed."
"Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!"
"Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!"
"Dammit Mom! Knock first!" "OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I'll* be Rico the gardener."
"Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give a shit if that works out to $240 a minute."
"Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast there while we're doing this?"
"Shave it? You're lucky I washed it."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the original body model for the Ken doll. How in the world did you guess?"
A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three. So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table. The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad. The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged. He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, "Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there." "Well," says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize." "But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks. "Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin."
I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump, so I stopped. There was the cat lying right in the road. It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of the tire had cut it off. A lady came running out of a house screaming, "You killed my cat!!" I told her, "No, he's O. K., except for the tail, and I'll fix that." I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on. The lady immediately blushed and called the cops. A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket. Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted. What a bummer!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All for retailing pussy in a residential area....
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, the older nun which normally assisted in this task was a little under the weathers so she instructed Sister Magdalene, a young nun on how to prepare the bath water and towels. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever she's told to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asks the sister how the bath had gone. "Oh sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved!" "Saved? How did that come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him. And while I was washing him, he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the key to heaven." "Did he now--" the old nun said. Sister Magdalene continued, "And, Father John said that if the key to heaven fit my lock, the portals of heaven would open to me, and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his key to heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said that the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of G~d would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old devil!" said the old nun, "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it these past forty years!"
Q) Why are clams like women?
A) Because when the red tide comes, you don't eat them.
This touched me. This once again confirms that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor and on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said, . . . "Son, Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your pecker look smaller."
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion,multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally,the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' " . "I don't remember much after that."
A guy walks into a bar and immediately spots an irresistibly beautiful woman. After belting down several courage boosters, he approaches her. After 45 mins. of conversation, he fires the inevitable question: "Your place or mine?" She answers: "Mine would be more convenient but, I must warn you, I'm on my menstrual cycle." Ushering her out the door he replies: "That's OK, I'll follow you on my moped!
Q) What do you do when your Kotex catches on fire?
A) Throw it on the floor and tampon it.
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear From A Consultant
10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6 Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay to me.
Two young men are walking down Fifth Avenue. One says, "Look at that gorgeous redhead in that green suit." They walk on, and the young man says, "Wow! Take a gander at that blonde in those red slacks." They continue, and first young man says, "Holy cow! Feast your eyes on that brunette in the ..." The second young man says, "Is that all you can think
A Frenchman with a parrot perched on his shoulder walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Wow! That's really neat! Where'd you get him?" "In France," the parrot replied. "They have millions of them." Treat Yourself with Neutrogena(C) Samples at NO COST! Turn back the clock and reverse the visible effects of time!
The world is divided into two types of people: Those who love to talk and those who hate to listen.
The golden years are really metallic years; gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and most of all, lead in the pants.
Weird Fact :
There is enough concrete in the Hoover Dam to pave a two lane highway from San Francisco to New York.
Weird Fact :
Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a fifty thousand-word novel, "Gadsby," without any word containing the letter "e."
Three gas station owners report for their first day in prison. The prison guard asks one of them, "What are you in for?" He replies, "The government says I charged customers more for my gasoline than other gas stations. I'm in for price gouging." The guard looks at the second man. "And you?" He answers, "I charged less for my gasoline than everyone else. I'm in for anti-competitive pricing." The guard looks to the third. "And you?" He shrugs. "I charged the same price for my gasoline as all the other gas stations. I'm in for collusion."
My wife, daughter and granddaughters were at a hamburger place the
other day having lunch. Since the kids prefer chicken nuggets, they
were having nuggets. All of a sudden the 9 year old granddaughter
dropped a nugget. Seeing it fall, my wife picked it up as soon as it
hit the floor. The granddaughter asked her mother if it would be OK
to eat it since it was on the floor. Her mother said it probably
would be OK, it hadn't been there long. My wife said, "Just say a
prayer and eat it." So my granddaughter folded her hands and said,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me puke.", then ate it. (Douglas Harter)
A dancing dog sought a part in the Broadway' production of "A Chorus
Line." The auditions were held on a freezing winter day and the
streets were so jammed with traffic that the dog had to get out of
his cab, blocks from the theater and walk the rest of the way. At the
audition, the dog's feet were frozen and caked with ice, causing the
dog to slip and slide. Attempting a routine that called for two quick
leg extensions the dog repeatedly slipped and fell. Humiliated, the
dog limped toward the stage exit. As he passed, the director shook
his head and said sadly, "You just can't teach a cold dog two kicks I"