Friday"s Fun (R)ated
What's the difference between spit and swallow? Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.
1"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." "Hell no, Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
2. A man was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup..... I wanna be a bear.
The clerk showed Stan the store's most
"This is called 'Perhaps,'" said the sales clerk.
"It's $285 per ounce."
"Listen," Stan shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't
want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called,
"You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some!!!"
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he craps on you!"
Bumper Snickers (Something to piss off everyone)
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
So Many Pedestrians - So ! Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Weird Fact of the Day:
The size of a red blood cell is 708 microns. This is equivalent to one millionth of a meter.
A pastor was doing his children's sermon bringing all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson. He was discussing the story of Jonah.
He began by quoting the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2: "And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of
the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land" (Jonah 117; 22, 10).
When the pastor finished the quotation, he began soliciting feedback from the youngsters to help him complete this sermon.
He asked, "What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?"
One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm, and loud enough for the entire congregation to hear, "It proves that even a fish can't stomach a bad preacher!"
A distraught man went to a well know psychiatrist and exclaimed,
"Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit." After
talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You
really do appear to have a problem. I'l need to see you again next
week." After only one more session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist
pronounced his patient completely cured! But for the next 6 months,
the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly bill for his professional
services, yet the man wouldn't pay and refused to even acknowledge
the debt. Finally, in frustration, the psychiatrist took the man to
court, and had him repossessed.
We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We
felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The
communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to
work on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed
the error. I tried to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking
up the wrong tree!"
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said... "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name. Later, as he counted the money he found 20 five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown.
Jimmy was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'N I L'. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in the Sky. Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and whispered, "Is Nothing Sacred?