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Friday, May 26, 2006

Friday's Mess (R)ated






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My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he
was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting
to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, "Chris, what
happened today to upset you so much?" He answered, "It's not fair --
I'm not allowed to go to the library." His mother became very
concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library
you have to have supervision, and I wear glasses!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
The 1912, a wrestling match in Stockholm between Finn Alfred Asikainen and Russian Martin Klein lasted more than 11 hours. Klein eventually won, but was to tired to participate in the championship match.
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Tammy bought a new book recently entitled "What Twenty Million American Women Want." Seeing the title, Doug grabbed the book out of her hand and started thumbing through the pages. Astonished and not just a little bit irritated, Tammy stared up at him and said, "What in the world are you doing?" Doug replies, "I just want to see if they've got my name spelled right."
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A representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the airport, she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor. She noticed a passersby looking at her as she tried to get the condoms back into her briefcase. "It's okay," she said, "I'm going to a convention."
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Bulldozing: Falling asleep during a political speech
Allege: A high rock shelf
Prime Time: Any hour of the day divisible only by 1 and itself.
Piece rate: How quickly treaties are signed
Gracious: I think I'll wear my GRACIOUS with this dress.
Antidotes: My uncle thinks I'm just fine and my ANTIDOTES on me too.
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A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three
blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building... he
suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and
asks: "why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that
building?" The blond answers in a very weak voice: "we wanted to try
out our new maxi-pads with wings."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide
pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a
dollar across the Potomac River. "That's impossible," said the
tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!" "You have to
remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot further in those
days."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28
and 44? "Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the
Cartoon Network!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE.......

A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend
the holidays with your family.
A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are
taking a shower.
A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on
the day you move.

A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll on
deodorant, or hair spray.
A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
A cucumber never has to call "the wife".

A cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt.
A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails
are wet.
A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.

A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late,
honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel
No. 19 on him.
A cucumber will never leave you for another cucumber.
A cucumber will never leave you for another man.
A cucumber will never leave you for another woman.

A cucumber will never make a scene because there are
other cucumbers in the refrigerator..
A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
A cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school.
A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.

A cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors.
A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you
out to get Milk Duds.
A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool
on the pillow.
A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.

A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while
you're asleep.
A cucumber won't insist that the little cukes be raised
catholic, Jewish, or orthodox vegetarian.
A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
A cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore.

A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when
your mother comes over.
A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.

A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
boy."
A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you
for a flashy blonde.
A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
A cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count.

A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
A cucumber won't want to come on your face.
A cucumber won't want to join your support group.
A cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party
A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.

1 Comments:

At May 26, 2006 12:08 PM, Blogger Mahndisa S. Rigmaiden said...

05 26 06

hahahahahahahaha Patty you are so damn funny! The cucumber one was to die for!!!

 

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