A giggle or two
A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight." When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, as I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway."
The lady lawyer approached the jury box and began an eloquent plea for her client. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want to tell you about this man. There's so much to say that is good: he never beat his mother; he was always kind to little children; he never did a dishonest thing in his life; he has always lived by the golden rule; he is a model of everything decent, forthright, and honest. Everyone loves him and..." Her client leaned over to the attorney's assistant and said, "How do you like that babe? I pay her good dough to defend me, and she's telling the jury about some other guy!"
The father was very proud when his son went off to college. He came to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab. "What are you working on?" he asked. "A universal solvent," explained the son, " a solvent that'll dissolve anything." The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, "What'll you keep it in?"
Margaret had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown. She hailed one down, got in and told the cabbie the address to go to. The cabbie turned out to be a lunatic driver and Margaret sat in the back seat clutching the door handle wondering if she could expect to survive this trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded NYC streets, weaving in and out of traffic. Margaret watched as one pedestrian after another leapt aside to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver. Margaret looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on the narrow street. Not only did the driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver," Margaret screamed, "Are you crazy?? Are you trying to get us both killed?" "Relax lady," he said. "Just do what I do. Close your eyes."
While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop." Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead." "And this is my pole," he said. My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain." And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.
Years ago while attending a dinner party hosted by some friends of mine the hostess served a meal with this delicious mushroom sauce. After the meal there was a small amount left over and the hostess decided to allow her pregnant cat to enjoy the treat as well as the guests. The guests all felt it was a great gesture and showed the cat was a member of the family. The sauce was the highlight of the evenings topic of conversation, everyone commented on how delicious it was, and the hostess beamed at all the compliments. One of the guest commented that toadstools were much like mushrooms except for being toxic, and how funny it would be is such a culinary treat were made from that instead. As if on cue, the pet cat started crying and squirming on the floor, clutching its belly. The hostess exclaimed, "Oh my God, it's the mushroom sauce!" We all went to the emergency room in a mad rush, and had our stomachs pumped after telling them we had eaten poisonous mushrooms. This was an extremely unpleasant experience. We we got back, the cat was lying on the floor peacefully looking up at us, and licking her newborn kittens.
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during this exam were
humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all . . .
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up