Giggles and Grins For Saturday
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the- blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Cletus on the shoulder. "Pssst. Cletus. What's the answer to the last question?" Cletus laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Cletus's shoulder again, he whispered, "Cletus, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when Bill Gates walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, not recognizing Mr. Gates, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims Mr. Gates. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." He shows him a time zone display for every time zone in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding." Bill Gates is dumb struck with admiration. "That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says Bill Gates, thinking of the potential profits after his engineers tear it apart and then market it throughout the world. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says Bill Gates, becoming insane with desire. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1,000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than..." "I'll give you $5,000 for it!" "But it's just not..." "I'll give you $15,000 in cash for it!" And Bill Gates pulls out his bulging wallet. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in maybe a year or so... Bill Gates frantically waves the cash in front of Jake: "Here it is, right here and now, $15,000! Take it or leave it!" Jake abruptly makes his decision: "Okay," he agrees as he peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger. They make the exchange and Bill Gates prances happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger. Bill Gates turns around warily and says: "What?" Jake points to the two heavy suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal. "Don't forget your batteries."
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests." "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
My three-year old daughter was talking to me while I shaved. The topic was cartoons, television and reality. She was going into great detail about the characters in the Dragon Tales cartoon. When she finished I said, "Honey, are cartoons real?" "No." was her brief reply. "Is TV real?" I said looking at her. "No." "I'm glad you know those things aren't real," I said patting her head. "You know what's real?" she asked wide-eyed. "You tell me." "Monsters are real!" she said walking out. "No they're not!" I called after her. "Yes they are!" "No they're not!" "Yes they are!" "No, honey," I said. "Those scary things that occasionally come into our house is only Mommy's family..."
"Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special." asked Little Johnny. "To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird." replied Mike. "What? Let me get this straight . . . You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?" questioned Little Johnny. "Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish." explained Mike. Little Johnny says, "Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish." Mike replies, "That's what you think! It just so happens this fish can sing. The thing is, this fish is terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?"
We had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother had prepared for our 28-member family. As I glanced up at the chandelier over the table, I was mesmerized by the creative handiwork a spider had woven around the prisms and lightbulbs. "Don't look up there!" my mother screamed. "It's the one thing I was too tired to clean!" "Don't look where?" my brother asked. "There!" my mother pointed. "It's my own personal web sight!"
I rode home with a female coworker about five years ago. I asked her to wait for me while I used the ATM machine. She asked if I trusted "those people." "People *who*?" I asked? She said, "The ATM operates by having a person inside the box. Every time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, and checks his paper files and folders for your account number. Here he can find your PIN and check the balance. This person then asks you to ENTER your PIN, cross checks it, and if all matches, you can proceed. If not, he keeps your card. "If you ask for a statement, he types it from his books and you get the printout. If you ask for a withdrawal, he checks the balance and any restrictions, and if all is ok, gives you the amount. He *then* calls all of the other branches and ATMs, tells them how much you've withdrawn, so they can update *their* books. "Wonder where they find all those little people at??" This person with her ATM theory might have been misinformed...