Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven
By a moron.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Faster than a speeding ticket!
Adults are just kids with money.
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a
Bus hit mine.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Was today really necessary?
In theory, everything works.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Your lucky color has faded.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?
At the checkout counter of the department store where I was a cashier, customers frequently asked me under what circumstances items were returnable. One woman who came through my line must have been aware of store policy. She pointed to the lacy red-and-black negligee she was about topurchase. "May I bring this back if it doesn't work?" she asked.
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me." "I know." grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?" "Certainly not," she said. "If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop." His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?" "He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do. "No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the difference." The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the following note pinned to her pillow: Dear Jane: Last night was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever. P.S. Your pussy is in the sink.
Mrs. O'Malley arrives in Boston from Ireland, and in no time at all her bean soup has made her the talk of New England society. At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron goes up to Mrs. O'Malley and says, "My dear girl, what is the secret of your soup?" Mrs. O'Malley says, "The secret to me soup is that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it." The woman says, "How come only two-hundred thirty-nine?" Mrs. O'Malley says, "Because one more would make it too farty."
We have been informed that the Arabs do not like to be called "towel heads". The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet. Effective immediately, please call them "little sheet heads." Thank you for your cooperation.
Mr. Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly IRS agent confronted him. "It says here that you're a bachelor - yet you have claimed a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake." Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yep, it surely was."
Q: What do a mechanic and a lesbian have in common? A: They both use snap-on tools.
A guy sits down at the bar and sees a real beauty sitting at the other end. He tells the bartender to get a drink for her. "Don't bother dude, she's a lesbian." "I don't care!" says the guy, "Gimme the drink and I'll take it over myself..." So the guy slides up and sits down next to the lady and says: "So babe, what part of Lesbia are you from?"
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Bobby, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand. The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you...." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Bobby, your turtle is not dead after all." "Oh," the disappointed boy, wanting ice cream and a new pet, said. "Can I kill it?"