Monday, May 15, 2006

A handful More

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law: Each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom -- Keep up the good work!" +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy in the nearby city of Adak. They'd lost contact with one of their planes and needed the Coast Guard to send an aircraft to find it. I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been spotted so we would know where to search. "I can't tell you," the Navy man said. "That's classified."
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house. Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking."
At his wife's insistence, Goldberg finally went to his doctor for a check up. "You look terrible," said the doctor. "Do you drink?" "Why yes, plenty." said Goldberg. "I start every day with a bottle of schnapps." "And with that cough," the doctor continued, "you probably are a smoker." "You bet," said Goldberg, "Three packs a day for me." "Look Mr. Goldberg," the doctor said. "You are not a healthy man. You're going to have to give up smoking and drinking right away, and that's an order. And before you go, that'll be $50 for my advice." Goldberg replies, "So who's taking it?"
The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish President, Ms. Shirley Vineberg. So the President-elect calls up her mother in Brooklyn a few weeks after Election Day. "So ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a six hour drive, and your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again." "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy; I don't know what on Earth I would wear." "Oh mom," replies Susan, "Don't worry about it. I'll make sure you have some wonderful dresses by Christian Dior." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, please, I want you to come." So Mom agrees and so on January 21, 2013, Shirley Vineberg is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her; "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?" The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do." "Her brother's a famous doctor."


Said: "Appointment"
Meant: "An opportunity to wait until the doctor feels like seeing you."

Said: "A few more minutes."
Meant: "You have time to read the entire National Geographic."

Said: "Cutting edge procedure"
Meant: "Your insurance won't cover it."

Said: "Discomfort"
Meant: "Pain"

Said: "Procedure"
Meant: "Surgery"

Said: "Fairly Routine Procedure"
Meant: "Major Surgery"

Said: "Routine Procedure"
Meant: "Something experimental and dangerous."

Said: "Latest medical research"
Meant: "This week's guess."

When they say, "We did all that we could under the circumstances with
knowledge that we had at the time," what they really mean is, "We blew


At May 22, 2006 3:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At May 22, 2006 8:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At May 22, 2006 8:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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