Happy Mother's Day
A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked to be taken to LaGuardia. While stuck in the traffic jam,the businessman leaned forward and said, "How's your spirit of adventure?" "What do you mean?" "Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought of flying there just bores me to tears. Why not drive me there? The meeting is only an hour. I'll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow." The driver said, "Sure, why not?" and off they went. They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting (while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the businessman paid for two rooms. The next morning, they took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the meter read $4,632.85. When they got back to the businessman's office, the man told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you a certified check. I'll make it for $5000 so you'll get a sizable tip for your trouble." "Great," the cab driver said, "Thanks." "One last thing. When I give you the check, I'd like you to drive me home, please." "Where's that?" "Brooklyn." "No way!!! I'd have to drive back over the bridge without a passenger!"
A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $60, she was shocked. "I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!" The groomer replied, "Yes, that may be true. But you don't bite, do you?!"
One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain." The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious. "We can't worship today. You do not yet believe!" he said. "But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe." "Believe?" he retorted, "Then, where are your umbrellas?"
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as
sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was
trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best
Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.