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Friday, May 05, 2006

Here Ya go Again



The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village, the only available candidate is the local butcher, a simple, unpolished man. Reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts. After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex." They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath. There they go again, and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night." Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it." Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, "So how is the new husband?" "Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family
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The Gross Bathroom Disaster A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"
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A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Hallo", he says. "Alright mate, where's ya bin?" asks the dustman. "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed. Realizing the Japanese fellow has misunderstood him, the binman smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?" "I dust bin on toilet, I toll you" says the Japanese man. "Mate" says the dustman "You're misunderstanding me... where's ya Wheely Bin?" "OK OK", says the Jap, "I wheely bin having a wank." What do you get when you combine Verizon and Viagra? "Can you feel me now, can you feel me now." A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar. He is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realizes she is a hooker. "I'll give you $200 for a mediocre blow job," he says. "Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the blow job of a lifetime!" "You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just homesick."

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I got you a job. It's a one-liner." "That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent. "I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?" "Wednesday," says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" "Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night." The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the heck are you?" "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor. "You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!" So, the actor runs up to makeup. "Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl. "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says. "You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!" So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies. "Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!" So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the fuck was THAT?!"
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Southwest Airlines A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines From Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the Window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby Dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes Have baby planes?" The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could Ask the stewardess." So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby Dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes Have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to Ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, Tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your Mother to explain it to you."
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Line dancing. See what happens when cousins breed?

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A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
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