Hey You Have A Giggle
This teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room. She demanded of them what they were doing, and one of them hollered back, "We are shooting craps." She said, "Thank goodness! That's all right. I was afraid you were praying."
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first. "Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?" The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful." "Wonderful," said the psychiatrist. "Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people." "Definitely," said the psychiatrist. "Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution." "Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor. "And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
A pig walked into a bar and asked, "Do you serve root beer?" The bartender said he did. "I'd like one, please," the pig said. After the pig had finished, he asked to use the rest room. After the pig left, another pig came in and asked for two root beers. This pig then asked for the rest room just like the first one had. Two more pigs came in. One ordered three root beers and the other four. They too used the rest room. When a fifth pig came in, the bartender said, "Let me guess, you want five root beers." The pig was shocked. "Why, yes. Yes, I would." When he was done he started to walk out. The bartender was confused. "Don't you want to use the rest room like the other four pigs did?" "No, I'm the fifth little piggy. I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."
Karen: On the cover of a women's magazine, I saw the title: "Men's Secret Fear About Their Working Wives." I decided to get a first-hand account. I asked my ex, "What's your innermost fear about my working?" Michelle: What did he say? Karen: He said, "That you'll quit."
A woman goes to the police station to report that her husband was missing. "Can you give me a description of him?" asked the officer. "He's short and bald and skinny and wrinkled and wears dentures," answered the woman. "Come to think of it, most of him was missing before he was...."
"Have you heard about that restaurant on the Moon?"
"No. How about it?" "Great food, but no atmosphere."
I was shopping in an arts and crafts store, where a friend of mine worked, for a gift for my niece. She had taken an interest in oil painting and I planned to purchase a beginner set of paints and brushes. My friend was at the cash register when I was checking out. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and had started a diet in the meantime, having moderate success. She asked me if I had gotten thinner. I was thrilled that it showed already and replied that I had lost a few pounds. She rolled her eyes and said, "I meant paint thinner."
"Four years ago, my cousin ran for state senator." "What's he do now?" "Nothing. He got elected."
"Why don't we ever hear of a thief burglarizing a politician's house?" "Professional courtesy."
Mom: What makes you think our son will be a politician?
Dad: He says more things that sound good and mean nothing than any other boy on the block.
Jeff, Bill and John stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. As luck
would have it, Jill was their waitress.
Jeff ordered a tuna-fish sandwich on white bread.
"Tuna?" Jill asked. "You'll like our chicken salad better. And how about
whole wheat bread instead of white? It has more vitamins."
"All right," Jeff answered. "Make it chicken salad on whole wheat."
Bill ordered next: "Green salad, no dressing and coffee."
"No dressing?" asked Jill. "There isn't much to that. Why not a pear and
cottage cheese salad? And coffee will only keep you awake. Have an ice
"All right," Bill answered. "Let me have a pear and cottage cheese salad
with an ice cold milk."
With that, John asked Jill what she would suggest for him.
"Suggest?" said Jill. "Who's got time for suggestions?"
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines
officer fitness reports:
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
* I would not breed from this officer.
* He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
* He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
* This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from
port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom; has started
* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to meet them.
* He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
* Works well under constant supervision when cornered like a
rat in a trap.
*This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.