Tuesday, May 09, 2006

laughes, giggles, here ya go

This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site. Once there he'd asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak. Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced on I- beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to pee. While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death. The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident. They talked to the ground crew. "I think it was sex-related, " offered one of the crew. "Sex releated? How do you figure that?" said the investigator. "Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, dick in his hand, screaming, 'where did that cocksucker go???'"
Ten Tips For Better Golf
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet, please, while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes. If you don't happen to play golf, these are also standard rules for taking a leak in a public bathroom!!
Mike was visiting Jim and discussing Jim's problems with
his wife when Jim's doorbell rang. Jim answered the door
and was handed a paper, which the deliverer said was a subpoena.
Jim showed it to Mike and asked him if he knew what it was.

Mike in his pompous lack of knowledge said, "Of course I know
what a subpoena is."

"Well, what exactly is it?" Jim asked.

"Well," said Mike, "that's legal talk. Your wife is suing you for
divorce. We know that 'sub' means 'under' and 'poena' is Latin
for 'penis', so -- 'subpoena' means under the penis --
which means she's got you by the balls."
A wife and husband are laying down for bed.
The wife rolls over to go to sleep, while the husband
turns on a lamp to read before rest.

Periodically the husband reaches over to touch his wife
in her private area. After a few minutes the wife becomes
very aroused, after wating a few more minutes she realized
he was not going to make another move.

She then proceeds to undress directly in front of him.

He asks he what she is doing, angrily she replies "I thought
you wanted to make love."

The husband says "No! I was just wetting my finger to turn
the page."
10 Words that Don't Exist, but Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a
dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt' v.
To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing
on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing
a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when
you're only six inches away.
An Italian guy and a Jewish guy went out to a very expensive restaurant for dinner one night. Finally, the waiter came over and asked, "Who should I give the check to?" The Italian guy said, "Give it to me. I'll take care of everything." "Fine," said the waiter. The next day the headlines read: 'Jewish Ventriloquist Strangled to Death'

Mr. Briggs spent the night in his secretary’s apartment. He woke up at three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!" Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. "Honey!" he began, "Don’t pay the ransom. I escaped!"

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

Bumper Snickers (Something to piss off everyone) Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point. If That Phone Was Up Your ASS, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
Weird Fact of the Day:
It would take twenty new mid-size cars to generate the same amount of pollution that a mid-size 1960's car did.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change

During his air test a young pilot flew through a rainbow. He passed
with flying colors.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.

If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack
don't yell out Hi Jack!

Somebody was running a flea circus, but a dog came and stole the show.

Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.

He wears glasses during math because it improves divison.
We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay

They tried to keep a locksmith in prison, but the nut bolted.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for

If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.



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