Friday, May 05, 2006

Less Than Exciting Again

Name the elements, Billy," instructed the teacher. "There's earth and there's air," began the boy, "and then fire water... and---oh, yes---fucking." The teacher gasped, then recovered herself. "That filthy thing you named, what ever made you include it?" "I overheard my mom telling one of her friends," answered Billy, "that when my dad gets to fucking, he's really in his element."
There was an article in the local paper recently that a girl of twenty was suing a farmer of 92 for breach of promise. After I read the item I couldn't help thinking to myself, "What the hell could a man 92 years old promise a 20 year old girl." When the reporter got the story of this 92 year old man and his legal problems with this 20 year old, he said, "I'd love to come back and interview you again when you're 100." "Don't see why not." the old farmer replied. "You look plenty healthy enuff to me."
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

The church janitor was also the organist, and had to watch his keys
and pews.

A logger went to his doctor because of a problem with the lumbar.

An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.

There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo. After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo, too!" The men all look surprised. The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little gray mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?" The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman. Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile. One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?" The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten it."
Pick-up Lines Or A Way To Get Slapped
That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed...
Do you want to see something swell?
Hey you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
Is that a double ended dilldo or are you just glad to see me?
Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize?
Irish : Have you got a little Irish in you?
She: Irish: Well, do you want some?
Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Wanna fuck like bunnies?
Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said:"Smile if you want to sleep with me", then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...
Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us
You smell wet. Let's Party.
Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again?
Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
At the office copy machine: Reproducing eh?
Can I help? Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say: Hey Charlie, see anyone here you recognize?
Hey, wanna see my R2-D2 impersonation? (Think about it...)
Hey baby...infect me!
Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k?
What's the matter, don't like pizza?
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.


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