Monday, May 08, 2006

Monday Afternoon Stuff

The principal was visiting the kindergarten class, as was his daily habit.
The teacher was teaching the children about colors.
She asked the class if anyone knew what color one got when one mixed blue and yellow.
One kid immediately yelled out, "Green!"
The teacher, shocked at the child's quick and correct answer, asked how he knew.
The child replied, "My mommy puts this blue stuff into the potty, and when I do a pee pee it turns green."
In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away
when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile
down the road, and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff
knew him and would call me to come pick him up. One day I called the
vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine. "Will you be
bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he come
on his own?"
Did you hear about the Indian chief who traded in his forty year old
squaw for two twenty year olds? A couple of weeks later a couple of
fellow braves saw him back with his forty year old squaw. They said,
"What happened to your two twenty year olds?" The Chief replied, "Me
no wired for 220!"
Very First Time
Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins. Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night,having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it. Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition. In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken it's course over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more. Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester I have acute angina." Chester says, "I sure hope so. Cuz you've shore got ugly boobs."

A Lawyer In Heaven!
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

* 2 litres of low fat milk

* a carton of eggs

* 2 litres of orange juice

* a head of lettuce

* half a dozen tomatoes

* a 500g jar of coffee

* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Kathy Smith, West Coast TV-news anchorwoman, claims that off-camera and
Without makeup she wouldn't be recognized. To avoid attracting attention in
Her Seattle neighborhood, she asked her children not to tell people what she
Did for a living. One day, while her five-year old son was getting a
Haircut, she overheard him reply to a question from the barber about her
Work. "I can't tell you what my mom does. All I know is she gets all dressed
Up and goes out at night."

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed
away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit
her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she
asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love
on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

At 1941 inauguration of F.D.R. he showed up
wearing the same dress as Eleanor.
*Demanded that each FBI operation be named
for a Broadway show.
*Let's just say he "left a lot of fingerprints"
if you know what I mean.
* Lived by motto: "When in doubt, strip search."
*Three words: Special Agent Liberace.
*Whenever he went under cover he went as Dorothy
from "The Wizard of Oz."
*Top advisors: cowboy, construction worker, and
Indian chief.
*Wore button that said, "I like Ike. I mean I
REALLY like Ike."
*Usually opened staff meeting with his version of
*The J. stood for Jenny.


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