Monday, May 08, 2006

Monday Blues

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball
landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard.
Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to
the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly
toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the
pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out
on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out
over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced
off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the
roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the
drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the
aforementioned pond.
On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the
water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large
bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away.
As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped
the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
Weird Fact of the Day:
Actor Bruce Willis's real name is Walter.

Cooking lesson #1: Don't fry bacon in the nude. E
at a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
If you're not part of the solution, start another problem!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing. (with your computer)
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


Illiterate? Write For Help `````
````` Ax Me About Ebonics
Barbie - A cook out.
Black Stump - Out towards the horizon. A long way away.
Bloke - A person - usually a male.
Blue - A fight or the nickname of someone with red hair.
Bush - Bush refers to somewhere in the country or away from the city.
Conk - To hit someone.
Crook - Not feeling well or not going well.
Dinkum - Genuine or honest.
Dunny - A toilet.
Fair Go - Give someone a chance or an opportunity to do something.
Galah - A fool or a silly person.
Gidday - A greeting. It is the Aussie way of saying good day.
Hooly-Dooly - An expression of surprise.
Kick - To share or join in.
Lollies - Candy or sweets.
Mate - This usually means a friend but it can be used to talk about or to anyone - even a total stranger.
Owyergoin - A greeting. How are you going? Often used with 'Gidday' and 'Mate'.
Pub - Any hotel. A favorite meeting place of many Australians.
Ratbag - Someone who does not behave properly.
Raw Prawn - A lie or a con job.
Sack - To be fired from a job.
Shiela - Female
Shoot Through - To leave or disappear.
Strewth - An exclamation, often of surprise.
Thongs - Rubber sandals.
Togs - A set of clothes.
Tucker - Food. Australian schools call their canteens a 'tuckshop.'
Winge - Complain and carry on unnecessarily.
Wog - An illness such as the flu.
Yakker - Work - usually hard work.


Just in time for the new fall TV Season CBS is releasing a new reality
series called JEWISH SURVIVOR.

16 Jews are put in a two-bedroom co-op on the Upper West
Side of New York. Each week they vote out one member until there is a
final survivor who gets $1 million (but placed into a trust that does
not vest until age 59).

The Rules:
1. No maid service.
2. No use of ATMs or credit cards.
3. No food from take-out or delivery which includes Chinese food.
4. All purchases must be at retail prices.
5. No calls to mother for women, office for men.
6. Outside trips must be by foot, bus or subway. NO
limos or cabs.
7. All workouts/exercise must be done in regular sweats
-- no designer labels.
8. Zabars is off limits.
9. No Jewish geography.
10. No, NY Times. Only, NY Post or NY Daily News.
11. No Pottery Barn, J. Crew, Lands End or William Sonoma catalogs. 12.
Only one phoneline for all 16 Tribe members. No call can last more
than 3 minutes. No cell phones.
13. Maintenance problems must be resolved by the Tribe, without
help from any gentile or super.
14. All therapy sessions suspended.
15. No consulting with attorneys.
16. No whitefish, lox, or bagels.
17. No antacids of any kind.

There have been no applicants yet


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