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Monday, May 01, 2006

Monday Night Blues




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A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia -- Having sex with a dead woman........ The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!" The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons: #1, It's none of your damn business; #2, She was my wife; and..... #3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!
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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?" Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote down ..... I D 1 0 T I used to like Harold.
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The Tomato Company
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day." Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,
"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also
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A young blonde inherited a home that had been built by distant
relatives. Before she could take possession of the property, however,
government surveyors had to decide whether it was located in the
United States or Canada. When they declared the home was just inside
the U.S. border, the young woman was very much relieved. "I'm glad to
hear that," she admitted. "I've been told that Canadian winters are
quite severe."
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A farmer brought his daughter a little pot-belly pet pig. She called
it "Stinky" when she played with it out in the yard, but she called
it "Ballpoint" when it was in the sty. "Tell me," asked her father,
"Why do you have two names for your pig?" "That's easy," she replied.
"Ballpoint is just his pen name."
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I was walking along a beach in Greece with a young woman when we came
upon a the body of a sting ray washed up on shore. "Oooh" she
exclaimed, "Is it dead?" "Yes," I assured her, "It's an ex-ray!"

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Weird Fact of the Day:
The longest engagement lasted 67 years, and the couple ended up marrying when they were 82 years old.

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What Men Really Mean .....(Part II)
~ "It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
~ "We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
~ "You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
~ "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
~ "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
~ "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
~ "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
~ "I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
~ "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
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Three old-timers were relating their most exciting experiences. The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with the Dalton gang. The others agreed it sounded pretty exciting. The second gentleman was a retired fireman. He told about a huge fire at the university, where young co-eds jumped naked from their dorm windows into his arms. The other gentlemen all agreed that sounded pretty exciting. The third retiree began his story, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection sticking straight up. I knew I couldn't take him through the lobby that way, so I found an old broom handle and hit that erection just as hard as I could." The old man paused. "You talk about excitement," he continued, "I was in the wrong damn room!"
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
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Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
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How do you ruin St. Patrick's day for an Irishman?
Make him the designated driver
God invented Guinness bottles with small openings to keep the Irish
from falling in and drowning.
For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a
lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as
they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours
later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied
under his chin. "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best
friend!" "Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog
that's bringin' it!!"
What might you call a small, nomadic being that sounds like a
description of a person most sought after by the spam-meisters?
Imp O'Tents



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Weird Fact of the Day:
On May 9, 1999 approximately 600,000 gallons of whiskey flowed into the Kentucky River during a fire at Wild Turkey Distillery in Lawrenceburg.
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A few years ago, when the big quake hit the Los Angeles area, part of
the damage included the totaling of a car belonging to a tourist who
had driven in from out of state. When he put in the claim to his
insurance company, they rejected it. When asked why the claim was not
covered, the Insurance company said it was because the tourist had a
no-fault policy. Angry about the insurance company's decision, the
policyholder tried to start a citizen's organization to fight this
kind of rip-off from happening again. He called it the San Andreas
Fund. However nothing came of it. Hardly anyone would contribute to
aid the fund in its efforts. The general feeling was that charity is
one thing, but this was being generous to a fault.

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Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up Jack's Mini-Van and headed North.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive
lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
She agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on
their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
Determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your Name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
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