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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Oh Damn Did I Miss Anything???


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Weird Fact :There is a certain species of kangaroo that is only 2.5 centimetres long when it is born.
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The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car. "Give us the money," they shout at the Queen. "But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money." "Oh, shit," says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Anne. "Give us yer jewels." "But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions." The armed robbers look fed up, when suddenly they hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching. "Quick, out of the car! We'll have the Range Rover at least," and with that the robbers drive off. As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police to get there, Anne turns to the Queen, "What did you do with all the cash you had? You're always loaded." "Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that only women have." Reaching under her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes. "And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear." The Queen says to Anne. "Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have." Reaching down she plucks out her jewellery. They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Anne "You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover."
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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot; I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, Alright, now suck my cock!" "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!" The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it!" One of my friends might walk in!"
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A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled to the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband's home early!" The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" He replied "Only if it's raining."

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1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth.... is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
14) I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
21) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
22) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Ass holes!
23) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on a four year old)
24) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
25) "Procrastinate..... Now"
26) "Rehab..... Is for Quitters"
27) "My Dog.... Can Lick Anyone"
28) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
29) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
30) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I've been doing since I was 15"
31) "Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names"
32) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
33) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN" 34) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
35) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"
36) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
37) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Rap Music"
38) "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken"
39) "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
40) "Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit the Frog
41) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."
42) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
43) "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
44) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig."
45) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
46) "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
47) "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
48) "MOP AND GLOW - The Floor Wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."
49) "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning-medicine."
50) "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!"
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WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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According to a REDBOOK magazine survey, "Married sex is 58% intimate, 22% explosive/hot, 12% cozy, and 6% other."
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Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull overby some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!" "Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do. "Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison." "Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man. "Yes, you must do that or he'll die." He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."
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When i visited my daughter in Beverly Hills over the Xmas holidays, I decided to take in the scene over on nearby Venice Beach to see if it was a whacky as I've heard. - I was walking along the beach when a mini-skirted Valley Girl, that appeared to be completely on some other planet, wiggled up to me and said, "Like, hey man, I want you to totally screw my brains out." - "Sorry," I felt obligated to reply, "but I'm not into quickies."
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When I was in the Navy, women were assigned to the WAVES. When we finally got leave after three months, our Captain told the WAVE Captain she'd better keep her girls under lock and key. The WAVE Captain, tapping her temple, replied. "Don't worry. My girls have it up here!" Our Captain said, "It doesn't matter where they have it. Once those throttle jocks start looking, they'll find it."
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