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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Okie Dokey Here Ya Go



Bumper Sticker Suggestions
1. Constipated people don't give a shit.
2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
8. My kid got your honour roll student pregnant.
9. Thank you for pot smoking.
10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
14. Horn broken...watch for finger.
15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
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On the first night he pulled his revival meeting tent into the Southern town, Preacher Bob had a full house. After a long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been he'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus." The next night the revival tent is only half full. After going through the same long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been he'in and he'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus." The next night the revival tent in only one quarter full. After going through the long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting the third night, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been she'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus." The next night there is only one man left in the audience. It was ol' Klem, a middle aged virgin due to his lack of sex appeal, even by hillbilly standards. Preacher Bob says, "Now brother, you should feel proud that you are still able to come to this tent tonight. I want you to testify! Testify how it is that you are able to join me tonight in this holy tent!" Klem responds, "Shit preacher, you didn't say nothin' bout me-in and me-in!"
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One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon. "Hey," said the demon, "How'd you like to make a hole in one?" "What's the catch?" said the man suspiciously. "It will shorten your sex life by five years," replied the demon. "Hmmm . . . okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a hole in one, just as ordered. On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon. "How'd you like to make it two holes-in-one, back-to-back?" said the demon. "It's only been done five times in the history of golf." "What's the pay back this time?" said the man. "It will shorten your sex life by another twenty years," said the demon. "I guess," agreed the man, and again he made an amazing shot. All his friends were amazed and people were coming from miles around to see the man who had made two holes-in-one in the same game! On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again. "Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in the history of the world! C'mon!" "No problem," said the man, agreeing. "What do I have to give up this time?" "You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of your life." said the demon. "Okay!" said the man. He went on to make his third consecutive hole-in-one. .And that's how Father Jones got into the Guinness Book of Records!
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Prom-Planning Tips Prom season is just around the corner. Here are some tips to help make your prom night unforgettable: The prom is a magical experience, a chance to do such grown-up things as get all dressed up, drink nine Smirnoff Ices, vomit in a limo, and pass out in Mom's azalea bushes. The theme is one of the most important elements of a prom. Choose carefully between "Tropical Paradise" and "Stepping Out In Style." Do not attempt to finger-bang your date until a slow song comes on. Don't forget the corsage! Fresh flowers are necessary to mask the smell of sweat and foot odor in your school's dank, poorly ventilated gym. Try to plan ahead, so you are not more than two or three months pregnant for your prom. Next to a bridesmaid dress, a prom dress is the most important dress you will ever wear. If you were not asked to prom, you can still have fun by putting on a dress, buying a taco-salad party platter from the local Pic-N-Save, and dancing in your bedroom as a portable radio plays the latest Top 40 hits. This will be the biggest night of your life if you happen to die in the next few weeks.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There was a young gigolo named Bruno Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know. While women are fine, And sheep are divine, Lama's are numero uno!"
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