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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Quick Lock This Granny Up



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Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
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Men are like.....Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
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One of the most expensive things in the world can be a gal who is
free for the evening.
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Is poisoned coffee grounds for divorce?
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She's a great housekeeper. She gets divorced. She keeps the house.
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According to a new study, women use their entire brain when they're
listening, whereas men only use half their brain. You know why that
is? When a man is listening to a woman, the other half of the male
brain is busy picturing what she looks like naked.
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Men are like....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangoutan was reading two
books, the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked
the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"? "Well," said the
orang-utan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my
keeper's brother."

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Weird Fact :
In the 1985 Boise, Idaho mayoral election, there were four write-in votes for Mr. Potato Head.
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Weird Fact :
Amazingly, goalies in the National Hockey League played without masks until the year 1959.

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Weird Fact of the Day:
Adolf Hitler was Time's Man of the Year for 1938.

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Ain't marriage great? A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know...they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips. "But my Sweet Honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, JACKASS?" And, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
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Q. Have you heard about the prostitute with a degree in psychology? A. She blows your mind.
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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "Well, what on the God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus," says the Irishman. "BMW thinks of everything."
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Top Ten Rejected Chia Pets
By Colleen Carroll
1. Private Parts Chia Pet
2. Curse Word Chia Pet
3. Marajauna Chia Pet
4. Swear Finger Chia Pet
5. Satan Chia Pet
6. Drunken Bum Chia Pet
7. Toilet Chia Pet
8. Stripper Chia Pet
9. Ganster Chia Pet
10. PMS Chia Pet
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