Random Evening Posts
One elderly male called 911 and reported, "There's a woman over here
doing some yard work in one of those thong bikinis."
"Sir," said an exasperated dispatcher, "911 is an emergency number. What
do you expect the police to do about a woman in a thong bikini?"
"Nothing," the guy said, "But if she keeps bending over the way she is,
I will be having a heart attack within the next 10 minutes, so I just
wanted to alert you to sending an ambulance for me."
A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "Come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the
worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look any
How is a blowjob like a lobster?
They're both very nice: but you don't get either at home.
When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.
When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.
I am now 47 And am looking for a guy with a big dick.
There's a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses ... I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too fat .....
10% of women think their ass is too skinny .....
The other 5% say they don't care .....
They love him .. he's a good man ... and they would have married him anyway
Nicknames for condoms:
Jimmy The Sleek
The Great Barrier Sheath
Little Red Riding Hood
Wild Willy's Worm Puppet
Dick C. Cup
SCUBA (Self-Contained Undercover Boning Apparatus)
Sleave It To Beaver
Baby Buggie Buffer
Mr. Hardon's Dress X
Cloak For Dagger
Hard Again Cardigan
Full Latex Jacket
Signs that you may need to exorcise your PC
1. Sign of the Beast: That creepy Damian guy in the IT department just
upgraded you to a Pentium-666.
2. Stand Back: When you eject your CD, green pea soup comes flying out
the drive door.
3. Dangerous Game: Names of your MS Hearts opponents mysteriously change
from Pauline, Michele, and Ben to Beelzebub, Lucifer, and Old Scratch.
4. Here's Johnny: You try to print out a spreadsheet, but all you get is
ten pages of "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."
5. X-Rays Don't Lie: When your laptop goes through airport security, the
machine picks up an outline of a cloven hoof.
6. New Screensaver: Flying pentacles.
7. Possession Is Nine-Tenths of the Law: Your computer monitor swivels a
full 360 degrees every time you walk into the room.
8. Freedom of Speech: Your voice recognition software starts speaking in
9. Blair Witch Redux: You find a fresh stack of crossed sticks by your
10. Gates of Hell: Your PC runs Windows without an error. A sure sign of
Free Perl Scripts
Top 10 Uses for Bubble Wrap
World's Most Powerful Diesel Engine